Ask any parent what he or she wants for their child and they will say something about "being happy" or "fulfilling potential". Ask what is necessary to achieve these goals and you'll probably hear words like "self-confidence" and "self-esteem". Neither term is as popular in Britain as in the US. Yet new research confirms what has repeatedly been found to be true: self-esteem is a key to successful development and has a far greater impact on future success (and happiness) than intelligence or talent.
The research comes from Leon Feinstein's team at the Centre for Economic Performance at the London School of Economics, who have published results of studies on children born in April 1970 which showed a close correlation between childhood self-esteem and adult success.
The crucial years seem to be between five and 15, when children learn to assess their abilities and form expectations of success or failure which continue to frame their adult self-image. Parents school them in the importance of coming out "on top", while simultaneously they may try to support self-esteem by "talking them up". But the combination of pressure to perform and indiscriminate praise may confuse children.
It is often difficult to gauge confidence because self-esteem is not simply high or low. In childhood, it undergoes daily shifts in shape and intensity, varying with the familiarity of the setting, the task at hand, the attitudes of the people around.
Until about 10, children's daily lives are chock-a-block with discoveries about their abilities, their powers and limitations. They feel confident in one situation, but not in another. They are in control when the school bell rings, but lose confidence when someone is late to pick them up at the school gate. Adults usually only suffer such swings at times of social upheaval.
There is no sure method of assessing self-esteem, or measuring the extent to which it is lacking. In the abstract, a child may declare herself confident, say, in maths, but freeze when the teacher invites her to work on a new type of question. Some children boast of being the next David Beckham, yet they don't feel sufficiently confident to join in a game. Dreams aren't any use, unless they give day-to-day support.
If asked directly whether they think they can do something, or whether they "like themselves", children may speak with a confidence that is not really felt: they learn quickly that they shouldn't be down on themselves.
So how can parents judge a child's self-esteem? Some of the danger signals are obvious enough: a child who constantly makes derogatory comments about herself, expresses a wish to die, or speaks pessimistically about her future, is voicing despair over her own self-image.
But there are less obvious danger signals too, and these often involve lack of energy or interest in the world. A child with high self-esteem is curious, eager to know, and confident of her ability to understand. One who gives away little personal information may just be reserved - but may feel she has nothing of interest to say.
A child who cries frequently when faced with new or difficult tasks is likely to anticipate her own failure and be anxious about her own abilities. One who acts impulsively, or behaves inconsistently, may believe she has no control over the outcome of her actions. Nothing is more important in building self-esteem than a sense of being effective; nothing tears it down as much as a sense of powerlessness.
Parents can help. First, they can listen, key into what the child says, and accept her own statements about how she feels and what she thinks. They can help her find (acceptable) ways of expressing her emotions, whether of joy or sadness. Acceptance of her own emotions, and awareness of her parents' genuine wish to understand are important foundations of self-esteem.
Secondly, parents can ease anxiety about performance by showing the child that she does have power to extend her skills and knowledge. The important message is that one's abilities and behaviour can improve with effort. If a child does badly in an exam, what reasons does she give? Does she say, "I'm stupid/ I'm no good at this?" or does she say, "I didn't prepare enough/ pace myself"? The first replies show a belief in failure as permanent and inevitable. The second show that she sees some way of improving her performance.
Parents should also be on the lookout for what she says when she does well. If she says, "It was easy/ I was lucky", then even experience of success does not build confidence because she does not link it to her own efforts. Children with high self-esteem do not necessarily experience fewer failures than those with low self-esteem, but unlike the latter, they see how they can improve.
Third, parents can foster confidence by moderating their own anxiety about performance. The intense involvement parents often have with a child's "success" can lead to anger and frustration at "failure" to shine. Sometimes, too, a parent's own unhappiness or stress blocks interest in a child's complex inner world. Being ignored can make a child feel she has nothing to offer.
While self-esteem can be bolstered in a number of ways - by friends, siblings, teachers, even pets - parents are usually the quickest to respond to need, and so are the first to receive the instructions of pundits. But parents don't have to have perfect control of their own lives to help their children maintain self-esteem.
Even if their own self-esteem suffers in the ups and downs of adult life, they retain the capacity to support a child's, for self-esteem involves learning how to survive in the midst of problems. After all, we are aiming at skills that help children to thrive in an imperfect world.
• Terri Apter's The Confident Child: Raising Children to Believe in Themselves, is published by Bantam in New York and available at any internet bookshop.
