Announce you're off to a health hydro and you'll learn that to the uninitiated it still conjures up an image of eating yoghurt and greens to the backdrop of glamorous celebrities shedding pounds in the sauna. I'm not the first and probably won't be the last to set the record straight. At Ragdale Hall, near Nottingham, where my daughter and I spent a few blissful days last month, the food was delicious and plentiful, and I didn't spot anyone who looked remotely glamorous.
The point is, and this is the thing you need to get used to as soon as you arrive, everyone gets to be princess for the day. Our family annals record that when said daughter was three years old she appeared one day tastefully got up in tatters of satin, velvet and lace from the dressing up box and announced solemnly, "Today I princess Mummy. Now everybody loves me. Everybody is my friend." It's like that. Everything's there for you, from smiling Dave who materialises to take your luggage before you even open the car door, to Joanne who whisks you to comfortable sofas for cups of tea while you fill in forms about your health and what you want for tomorrow's breakfast, to dapper Paul who gives you a personal guided tour, to the personalised schedule showing when your back will be massaged and your dinner served.
Everything works like very quiet clockwork and it needs to. Ragdale Hall is a complex operation combining a traditional country hotel, all oak pannelling and comfortable chairs, an up to the minute health club with a well-equipped gym and two exercise studios for the non-stop programme of aerobic and yogic exercise, a beauty centre for facials, massages and so on, and of course a spa area with steam room, jacuzzi, sauna and swimming pool.
I didn't do too much in the beauty centre, though I loved the winter garden where you wait for your treatments, and hung out there till daughter emerged from a facial and massage, swearing that from now on she would use a proper moisturiser. The classes were great. I survived an hour's aerobic workout - how could I stop when next to me was a bloke who could give me 10 stone and 10 years? - and was convinced by the pilates tutor that this was the way forward. Admittedly it was partly because he was a Robson Greene lookalike with an irresistible no-nonsense manner, but from now on I'm going to keep that muscle tone just like he said.
I even progressed from tentative spectator in the gym to sampling (well admit it, enjoying) the walking machine, but for me the watery side of Ragdale Hall is where it's at. I lost count of how many times we slipped into the spa to swim, steam, enjoy the massage jets, interrupted only by endless hot showers, cosseted by endless fluffy white towels. Mysteriously we always seemed to have the pool to ourselves. The steam room too. I discovered that as the minutes pass and the steam creeps over you and into your skin nothing else seems to matter, and all that fuss over deadlines last week recedes to an infinite distance.
Even the drop-in exercise classes were never crowded. Obviously a law is operating. Actually I think I know what it is. We arrived exhausted but hyperactive, launched into a 24 hour flurry of trying everything, then began to slow down, pace ourselves, rest and recover. Then on the third day it was time to go. I suspect that those fortunate enough to stay longer are not littering up the action areas but have taken themselves off to one of the delicious quiet rooms where you simply do nothing, I mean nothing, in complete tranquillity until the next meal. If that wears off you can reposition yourself in one of the cafe areas and if it's not too much trouble enjoy a little light chat over a cappuccino or fruit juice. They've even thought about your evenings - each night you can relax in the privacy of your room in front of a film shown on the internal channel.
They never say no at Ragdale Hall though we tested the system. On the first night (still hyper) having made friends with Maitre D John Vickers I slipped in a request for an extra shot of olive oil. Mr Vickers's face is simply not cut out to look disapproving. He lowered his voice and gently pointed out that all the food is specially prepared to be light and healthy, but then personally brought me just the right amount in a tiny bowl.
• Guardian readers can enjoy a two-night stay between 1 May and 31 August at Ragdale Hall Health Hydro, from £199 per person based on two people sharing a superior room. The offer includes full board and use of the pool, gymnasium, sauna, steam rooms, sanarium and separate exercise classes, as well as a Nourishing Hand Treatment, Relaxing Scalp Massage, Kanebo Seasonal Make-Up Session and a Kanebo Gift worth at least £30. To book or for more information, please call 0870 843 6673 or email enquiries@ragdalehall.co.uk, quoting Guardian Unlimited.
