MPs took time off from their more terrifying concerns yesterday to talk about sex education. The subject was raised by Ann Winterton, a Tory traditionalist who, I had always assumed, believes that books about sex for young people should have frank descriptions of the role of storks in human reproduction, and explicit diagrams of gooseberry bushes.

The minister, Stephen Twigg, replied that lessons were being provided in state schools after consultation with parents. These were on "sex and relationships".

Mr Twigg's answer did not satisfy Mrs Winterton (who is in a loving, stable relationship with Macclesfield MP Nicholas Winterton. They met when Ann was herself a teenager and the youngest joint master of foxhounds in the country. When she wanted to be mounted for a good hard ride, she did it the proper way.)

Mrs Winterton pointed out, perhaps surprisingly, that in the Netherlands teenage pregnancies run at a quarter the rate we have here. This, it turned out, was because Dutch children aren't so much taught about having sex as not having sex. "Education there promotes sexual abstinence and strengthens the role of parents," she claimed.

It didn't sound like the Holland yearned for by millions of smutty teenage boys. But no matter; Mr Twigg pointed out that teenage pregnancies here were down by 9% over the past five years, so things were going in the right direction.

Meg Munn, a Labour MP from Sheffield, claimed that these things were handled well in Sheffield. In that fair city, teenagers with sexual problems can call at "Drop in" centres for advice. A male colleague, who has never quite got over his own teenage years, suggested that teenagers without sexual problems could visit "Drop 'em" centres instead, but I decided to ignore him.

Then Jenny Tonge, a Lib Dem, rose in a bate. She was furiously scornful about Mrs Winterton. "She wants to turn back the clock to when we could only have sexual intercourse when we'd got the permission of a priest or a registrar," she said.

I suppose she meant "after we'd got married", though it did raise an interesting point and could work for religious and non-religious people alike.

"Hello, would that be Father Driscoll?"

"It is my child, and how can I help you?"

"Well, father, I was thinking of having sexual intercourse and I'd be most grateful for your permission."

"And who would this be with?"

"It's a I fellow I met in the pub tonight, father."

"Is he a good looking fellow, yer man?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that, father, but he did buy me a Malibu and a bag of dry roasted."

"Ah, well, I'd hold out for a curry first..."

Of course, if New Labour ever gets on to Ms Tonge's wheeze, it'll be very different. "Welcome to Registrar Direct. If you want to have sex in the missionary position, key 1. If you want to do it doggy style, key 2. If you're some kind of pervert, please hold for an operator..."

Naturally MPs didn't discuss the need for sex education for themselves. Just think of the young, promising lives blighted because members did not have access to the most basic sexual information - such as never feed the meter outside your mistress's house in the early morning, avoid toe-sucking at all costs, and steer clear of any woman, who, when you're taking off her underwear, looks for somewhere else to clip the microphone.

Suddenly the mood changed back to sombre, and Robin Cook was in the house, promising a debate before the war begins. It could come very soon indeed.