The following apology was printed in the Guardian's Corrections and Clarifications column, Thursday September 25 2003

A reference in the article below ran contrary to Guardian guidelines which state, "Use 'schizophrenia' only in a medical context, never to mean 'in two minds', which is wrong, as well as offensive". We apologise.

Is there anyone who doesn't compulsively read just about any article beginning "Recent studies show"? And then the research turns out to be enough to make a cat laugh. According to reports in yesterday's newspapers, recent studies show that people who pick up a certain parasite transmitted by cats may be sexier and more attractive if they are women, scruffy and grumpy if they are men. This suggests a scenario in which women should live in as close contact with cats as possible, while men should be in cat quarantine.

There used to be a poster in New York subway stations that said, "Lonely? Come to the North Shore Animal League." It showed a puppy and kitten, "waiting for love". At the time single, I thought it would be nice if there were, similarly, a boyfriend warehouse, where I could check out the specimens. So I imagine the quarantine along those lines. Only, of course, I won't be able to take the man home, because my cats are there.

Anyway, it's too late. The man was found, unwarehoused, and we live with four cats, at last count. Is he infected with the dread toxoplasma gondii (as recent studies show 22% of Britons to be)? If so, he should be anti-social, suspicious, jealous, aggressive and unattractive. Since he is almost painfully nice, impeccably groomed, unassuming, gregarious, and unsuspicious to the point of being a patsy, I guess he is toxoplasma-free.

I, on the other hand - being fantastically sexy and attractive - must have picked up this parasite in infancy. In fact, recent studies about toxoplasma may explain blips in my character that left industrial-strength psychoanalysis at a loss, namely my resistance to settling down with one man. But now I understand: it wasn't me, it was toxoplasma.

Before you get to the part of these studies that says toxoplasma can lead to schizophrenia and manic depression, and quickly whisk your cat off to the Battersea Dogs Home, there are a few facts that the sensation-seeking articles in the paper don't tell you. You are more likely to get toxoplasma from eating pork than from your cat, unless you are in the habit of eating your cats.

If a cat is infected with toxoplasma (by eating a mouse or rat - the parasite has to be ingested), there are five days out of its entire lifespan when it can shed the eggs that spread the parasite. Even then, you would have to handle its faeces, not wash your hands, and eat a sandwich immediately after to get infected, and it still wouldn't be guaranteed. The biggest source of infection is believed to be cutting boards where raw meat has been prepared that were not washed before, say, salad vegetables were sliced on them. Raw goat's milk is mentioned as well.

For those who worry that petting their cat will lead to infection, the chance is "extremely remote", says one vet who I spoke to. Even if you were within the magical five-day period, the cat would have to be an unusually gross and sloppy groomer, and you would have to put your fingers in your mouth right away.

While the chances of contracting schizophrenia from your cat are just about zero, the psychological benefits of cat ownership are being demonstrated by recent studies. There's the study which shows that pet-owners perform better on tests and tasks, there's the one which shows that heart attack victims recover quicker, and many which demonstrate the reduction of stress that your moggy can bring. Chekhov said a warm cat purring on his belly was the only thing that helped his ulcers. So become a vegan if you're worried - or just wash your hands and cutting board more often - but keep the cat. Remember, you love little kitty. And if you're nice to her, she will do you no harm.

Besides. Just think of the things you can catch from contact with people. Worried about schizophrenia? Try examining your relationship with your mother.