So far, it doesn't add up to much, the Alcohol Harm Reduction Strategy, though even the name of it gives me a bad feeling. (I mean, it's not that I'm in favour of alcohol harm. I wouldn't even say that I was against the reduction of alcohol harm. But I would prefer it not to be turned into a compound noun. And if we absolutely have to, this being the 21st century, and the graceful use of English no longer being a requirement of any government policy unit apart from possibly the diplomatic corps, can't we at least hyphenate it or, better still, run it all together and add some consonants, in homage to the German invention of the compound form... Alcoholitzenharmkrieg.)
Anyhow, so far the government hasn't got much farther than pointing out the nature of the Harmkrieg, which is mainly a soaring crime rate, in and around densely bar-populated areas; and a loss of £20bn to the nation as a whole, comprising NHS costs, alcohol-related crime and sick days that are really hangovers. In terms of strategy, suggestions so far have put the onus on the booze vendors - bars are to be encouraged to take responsibility for the post-pub behaviour of their clientele; along the lines of three-glassings-in-the-face-and-you-get-your-license-taken-away. I don't know that for certain, that's just the gist that I get.
Manufacturers will be enjoined to alert their customers to the dangers of the product, possibly by printing units on the side of each drink, in the manner of the cigarette fraternity, or maybe by adding a coda at the end of each ad saying "please drink sensibly". I'm in favour of this last one. Some companies already do it - "Have you ever drunk so much X that you forget your name and accidentally have sex with a blood relation?" they ask, skittishly, with an unspoken: "Don't worry... so long as you drink X, you're among friends." Patched onto the end, there's a "please drink sensibly", so radically at odds with the timbre of the ad that it can only be a joke. And, as such, I think it's rather a good one.
Beyond badgering the drinks industry, though, there doesn't seem to be an orgy of ideas, and it's easy to see why not. Some aspects of the government's handling of the alcohol issue are poorly thought through - it is unintelligent, for instance, to call four units in a day a "binge". This is two pints. Regular people, like me, think "two pints? A binge? Don't be absurd! Where are we? California? My grandfather would have a thing or two to tell you!" etc etc, and suddenly not only are the pro nouncements on drink slightly suspect, but I'm coming round to the idea that they don't know much about E either. Or the euro.
Ultimately, though, our attitude to booze is not the government's fault. We neither drink nor overdrink because our government is patronising us, or because Blunkett has capered off on one fascistic display too many (though naturally, he has). We drink because it's fun; and unlike so much else that is fun, we can't be guilt-tripped about this, since it's tied up so intricately with our sense of national identity. Sure, everyone, with a hangover, can be persuaded that life would be better if they'd had five Bacardi Breezers instead of 21. But where drink is concerned, moderation is foreign; excess is British. Non-alcoholic cocktails are Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, hard liquor is Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. Any nostalgic representation of British culture at all is underpinned by a shared love of drink. Our favourite Briton, by a country mile, whether we were asked to vote on it or not (which we have been) is Churchill, and all anyone could honestly tell you about him, apart from that he would fight them on the beaches, is that right now, he was drunk, but in the morning, he would be sober.
Whenever any discussion of licensing laws takes place, someone invariably ruminates about the continent, and how over there, people never get drunk - they drink in a civilised fashion, throughout the evening. But this is almost never said in admiration; it is said in the measured, you-do-it-your-way, drive-on-the-right-if-you-feel-like-it tones that convey "you might be perfectly workable human beings, but you'll never be British, not if you live to be a hundred".
We do alcohol the way the French smoke; not as harmful fun to get us through life, but as an expression of any vestige of patriotic unity we can still muster. We roll our eyes about marauding drunkards in city centres the way we admit to loving dogs more than children. Ruefully, sure; ashamed to be in such flagrant dereliction of Darwin's priorities - but yet absurdly proud.
So rather than accusing them of trying to wrap us up in a nanny state and carping about their bossy ways, on this matter at least, we can afford to be generous to a beleaguered government. Wish them luck. Because whatever they come up with, it's not going to make any difference.
