Hair appointment. Manicure. Pedicure. Facial. Eyebrow threading. Leg waxing. More exercise. Less junk food. Mini-detox. And let's not forget the joy that is bikini-shopping (unflattering strip lights compulsory). This is my presummer- holiday to-do list.

Some of you may read that little lot and think I need to get a life, but, while I concede you may have a point, I would struggle to care. It's my holiday and I'll give myself an ulcer before it if I want to. This list is, in fact, the edited version - it contains only things to be done the week before I go. The real preparation, or should I say panic, starts approximately two months before I hit the beach, or immediately the flights are booked (whichever is sooner).

This is when I start applying various toning/lifting/firming creams that promise much, deliver little, but make me feel virtuous none the less. This is also when I start subjecting my body to a punishing schedule of exfoliating salt scrubs and drinking my weight in water each day in the hope it will "flush out" the last few months' worth of toxins, when I know all it really does is make me need to go to the toilet every five minutes (still, all that walking to and from the bathroom must be knocking off the inches, right?).

I like to think I save time by not needing fake tan, but I more than make up for it with all that other faffing around. I'd love to be able to offer advice on how not to drive yourself crazy in the run-up to a holiday, but what's the point? I know you won't take it, just as I know I wouldn't feel it was a real holiday unless I'd worked myself into a frenzy beforehand.

That said, I can give you my three top tips so you make it to the plane, rather than the Priory: do what you can at home; stick to neutral nail varnish on toes and fingers because it goes with anything; and don't kill yourself trying to "slim" into a bikini - once you get to the beach, you really won't care.