In the Self-Help corner of Books Etc, between You Can Be Happy and Nothing's Wrong, squats the Allen Carr canon. Allen used to be an accountant with a 100-a-day fag yearning; now he is the world's bestselling quit doctor. He has written Packing It In the Easy Way, The Little Book Of Quitting and The Only Way To Stop Smoking Permanently. They lie in a smug and glossy pile.

I have developed a rational hatred for Allen. I loathe his riches, his pristine lungs and his urge to proselytise. I want to blow smoke into the faces of his children until they develop lung cancer. I want to rip out his larynx and munch on his finger as if it were a chicken bone. So I shun Allen; instead I buy Susan Hepburn's Stop Smoking in One Hour. "Play the CD just once and never smoke again," it says. "There will be no side-effects and no cravings. No withdrawal symptoms. Will power is not required." I head-butt the book, to verify it is not an illusion.

Curled up with Susan, curtains drawn and candles lit, I read the testament. Smoking, she says, is "a career". (Is it? Where is my back-log of wages?) "The treatment," she says, "is not a miracle cure, although when you experience how easily you have become a non-smoker you may be tempted to consider that a miracle has happened."

According to Susan, I owe it "to future generations" to quit and I will succeed only if I follow her instructions. I must stop smoking "for myself" and practise breathing exercises. It is not the inhaling of smoke I enjoy. It is just the inhaling. After I have grasped these principles, it is showtime - hypnosis. Susan will put "the agreed suggestions" into my "subconscious mind". She promises I will enjoy "a pleasurable experience and drift into a most beautiful state".

"Hello - I'm Susan Hepburn," says a voice. She sounds like a Speak Your Weight machine. "Hello," I reply. "I want you to imagine a triangle," she says, "a window to your mind ... you are going to air your mind ... digestive system ... calm ... you will be pleasant and even tempered ... this will be of your own free will ... " The sensation is sublime; I want to replace everyone I know with a talking CD. "You are now a non-smoker," says Susan's voice. "A very new non-smoker." I tremble, breathe and toss my fags into the bin.