Question

I'm worried about my nephew's emotional health. My brother took a drug overdose three years ago and hasn't seen his son Sam, 7, since. As my brother now has memory problems, he lives near me. I am trying to help him rebuild his life, but he wants to live abroad rather than stay here and see Sam regularly. The family (including Sarah, Sam's mum) therefore decided that my brother shouldn't see Sam at all. The problem is that my son is friends with Sam, and at some point the boys will work out that 'Uncle J' is Sam's father. I'm worried about the impact this will have on Sam. It could all get quite ugly. Sarah won't want my brother in Sam's life at all, but my view is that it should then be for Sam to decide. Any advice?

Helen Barrett, the child psychologist

There's been considerable research on absent fathers and, though absent, his father will still be a real presence in Sam's head. The question is not whether Sam should know about his dad but how, when and what he's told. Given the father doesn't want to see Sam at this point, the mother should gently update the story of Sam's dad, as any initial explanations Sam was given won't hold water for much longer. I get the feeling that Sam's dad is discussed as little as possible, but it's important for Sam to be able to talk about him, especially with his mother. If his feelings and thoughts aren't allowed to be expressed, it could affect Sam's ability to trust and talk to the people he does have loving relationships with, now and in the future. Most children adapt well to new situations and it's better for them to feel pain about the truth than to be deceived or, worse still, discouraged from thinking or feeling at all. Give Sam the chance to cope with and learn from his experiences.

· Helen Barrett is a developmental psychologist and research fellow at Birkbeck, University of London

Anna Lee, the child of a single parent

When I was six weeks old my dad left my mum and I haven't seen him since. My mum knew where he was, but she didn't tell me and I didn't ask. I once received a birthday card from him which made me feel excited and quite curious for a while. We used to talk openly about my dad, but mum left me free to form my own opinions about him. I was always told that when I was old enough to make my own decisions I could find him if I wanted. I decided against it - I realised I didn't need him and felt that he hadn't earned the right to be in my life. From my experience, I think if Sam's dad is not able to commit to being a 'proper' father, then the family are right to keep Sam protected from his father flitting in and out of his life. My own father may have been absent, but at least it was a constant absence. I think that's easier to bear. In fact, I feel grateful that Mum protected me from a situation that could have left me hurt and affected my own future relationships.

· Anna Lee, 25, is a freelance journalist from York

Phillip Hodson, the psychotherapist

By not providing Sam with the true facts about his father's whereabouts and lifestyle, you are allowing Sam's head to be filled with fantasy rather than reality, and this can manifest itself negatively in children. He may, for example, blame himself for his father's disappearance. It would almost certainly be better for the child to be told about his father. I would urge you to persuade Sarah to agree to this course of action. If she refuses, you could tell her you won't collude in the deceit any longer. The difficulty with this approach is that, as you say, it could get ugly. A less aggressive solution would be to ask her to try a family counselling session with you and other relatives involved. This practical, solution-based therapy in a neutral, non-threatening environment can allow you collectively to explore all possible solutions, find some common ground and help you make the right decision as a family for this much-loved child.

· Phillip Hodson is a psychotherapist and fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy

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