My 17-year-old daughter is putting on weight rapidly and I don't know whether I should intervene or leave her to make a positive decision by herself. She is the middle child of three and the rest of our family is slim and healthy. She is pretty, has many friends, and has a good idea of where she is going in life. She knows about healthy eating but cannot seem to apply this knowledge to herself. When she was a toddler, she refused to eat vegetables, and now she consumes large portions of high-fat food, and her diet consists mainly of carbohydrates.
Over the past decade or so, I have tried to help her in various ways - by not keeping biscuits in the house, paying for her gym membership and reminding her to eat fruit. Sometimes I have tried to ignore her weight gain to see if she would motivate herself; at other times we have talked about the situation and I have tried to facilitate whatever course of action she has wanted to take. A couple of years ago I found a nutritionist for her and my daughter felt hopeful that she would be able to make real changes, but it didn't work.
I worry enormously about her health, and I am incredibly sad that she has no apparent interest from boys, other than friendship. We are very close, though our relationship is sometimes tempestuous. I can't bear to watch her risking her health and happiness.
I feel I have done everything in my power to help but I realise she has to make up her own mind to help herself.
She'll take action when she's ready
I'm 18, and I was in exactly the same situation as your daughter when I was 17. I had always been a plump child and continued to put on weight at secondary school. My mother constantly used to ask me to take interest in exercise, at some points even begging me to get up from the sofa. My parents even paid for a personal trainer at one stage.
It wasn't until I reached the sixth form that something snapped; my appearance became more important to me, so I took action and started controlling my portion sizes and exercising as much as I could. I've lost nearly three stone now, and seeing my body change has motivated me to persevere with my efforts.
As frustrating as it may seem, you're right. You need to accept that there's nothing you can do until your daughter realises what she's doing to her body and decides to make some positive changes for herself.
IR, via email
Why not try a slimming club?
I completely understand your feelings of failure, helplessness and guilt. My son weighed nearly 18 stone at the age of 15 and was inactive, taunted at school, withdrawn and miserable. Daily arguments about eating habits and my constant nagging to try to get him to take some exercise made our relationship hit rock bottom.
I found a local slimming club for overweight 11-to-15-year-olds. For the first couple weeks it was hard, but soon my son was able to talk about how being fat made him feel with people who understood exactly what he was going through, as they were a similar age and had had similar experiences.
One year later, he is five stone lighter and much happier and healthier. I would encourage any parent who is struggling to know where to turn for support to give such groups a try.
SJ, Sunderland
Love her for who she is
I grew up with healthy food and exercise, yet I was always bigger than other children. As I reached my teens, my self-esteem plummeted and I turned to food for comfort. My mother was concerned and tried putting me on diets, admonishing me when I had second helpings and so on. All this did was make me believe that I wasn't good enough.
I suffer from depression and my weight goes up and down. I know all about nutrition, and yet I still binge. I've been thin and I've had boyfriends (not necessarily at the same time), but neither of these things solved the root of my problems. Therapy is beginning to.
Is your daughter overeating because of emotional reasons? You say you have been trying to "help" her for the past decade, but that means that she has been getting the message that her body is a problem for you since she was seven. She must be incredibly frustrated that she is unable to gain your approval. Be proud of who she is now and let her know that you love and accept her wholeheartedly - that is absolutely the best support that a parent can give.
HF, Glasgow
Can't you change the subject?
It sounds as if food issues are dominating your relationship. Stop discussing things like food, weight and eating with your daughter. Instead engage with her about her schoolwork, hobbies, friends, and whatever else interests her. This strategy may seem counterintuitive, but if you shift the focus away from her eating habits, your daughter will discover she has no reason to fight about food with you any more. Then and only then will she feel empowered to take responsibility for what she eats.
Name and address withheld
What the expert thinks Linda Blair
It sounds as if you have done a great deal to help your daughter lose weight and to eat healthily. In the process, communication hasn't broken down between you. This is excellent news given that the mother- daughter relationship is probably the most difficult of all family relationships. It's even more to your credit given that you've been dealing with such a highly sensitive subject.
However, it would be helpful for you to reconsider some aspects of your approach to this situation. Accept that you and your daughter may have different perspectives on what constitutes a healthy weight and diet. Although she may want to change some of her eating habits, and may not be wholly satisfied with her body shape and weight (and what teenage girl doesn't question these things?), the changes she wishes to make may not be the same ones that you want her to make. It sounds as if it is reasonably easy for you and the other members of your family to stay slim. Your daughter, however, may not have the same body frame or metabolic rate as the rest of you. And although you're worried about her health, you've not said that she's actually unwell.
The second problem is the way you perceive your daughter. You say she has an unhealthy diet, that she is putting on weight rapidly, and that boys have no apparent interest in her other than as a friend. But then you jump from that statement to the claim that she is risking her health and her happiness. How can her weight alone have such an impact on her wellbeing if she is pretty and popular, as you also describe her? (She may, by the way, be perfectly happy only to be friends with boys at this stage. Not everyone is ready for a sexual relationship at 17.) She apparently has plenty of energy to socialise and many things are going right for her, so if she is neither unhappy nor unhealthy right now, on what basis do you believe she is putting herself at risk?
Could it be that you are confusing good health and happiness with being slim? The truth is, happiness and body weight are not directly linked. The relationships between body weight, mood and general health aren't at all straightforward. In fact, the interactions between them are a great deal more complicated than you may think.
The best way to deal with your assumptions and concerns would be to arrange for your daughter to have a thorough health-check if she'll agree to it. Let the doctor define for both of you what a healthy weight and a healthy diet should be for her. Then, as long as there's no serious health issue that demands immediate attention, you needn't intervene further. Leave it up to her to decide what to do with the information she's been given. Furthermore, if there are issues that arise in the future, both of you will then be working with the same definitions of "healthy weight" and "healthy diet".
Next week
Should I put my husband or myself first?
I have been married for nearly 40 years and feel trapped in my marriage. I am 61, my husband is 66 and we have three children, now all living away from home. The marriage has never been easy and I have often wanted to leave but didn't because of the children. The problems have been largely sexual - my husband has been quite demanding and I have not felt able to ever say no or to express my own feelings and needs. I have sought help a couple of times from Relate but my husband refused to come with me.
My husband has become partially disabled and nearly blind with rheumatoid arthritis. He can still get about by public transport and make himself meals but he has very few interests apart from current affairs and watching television. He goes to bed around 3am every night after drinking whisky. We have very little in common now and I feel more like a carer than a wife. I still feel I want a lot out of life, but my husband is not interested in doing what I want to do - travel, study and voluntary work - and actually feels resentful that I want to do these things. I know that in many ways I am being unfair but I feel I deserve a life of my own. I have worked hard all my life and had looked forward to following up my interests when I retired. Instead I feel unhappy and my husband probably does too, although he has said that he doesn't want me to leave.
Should I make the break now, while there is still a chance for us both to forge new lives, or is it my duty to stay and look after my husband?
· Private Lives appears every Thursday. You are invited to respond to next week's problem. If you would like fellow readers and Linda Blair to answer a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of around 250 words. For advice from Pamela Stephenson on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns. All correspondence should reach us by Tuesday morning. Email private.lives@theguardian.com (please don't send attachments) or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, 119 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3ER.
