That's me screaming. I've just plunged into extremely cold water that's seeping into, and slowly filling up, my wetsuit. It's freezing. My pristine white M&S socks are ruined. Salty water is pouring out of my nose. Thank goodness I only wore my battered trainers. That's lesson one of coasteering learned: don't wear anything you value into the sea.
Like a well-arranged dinner platter, coasteering offers a taster of everything. Plunge into the sea to pit your swimming ability against the deep, angry, frothing water. Scale rocky cliffs (in my case, Precambrian volcanic things known as "Rhyolitic Tuffs", around 600 million years old). Haul yourself across daring, ragged ledges. Peer down to the sea below as you plot safe places (you hope) from which to splash back into the frothing, freezing cauldron again. Well, at least you're wearing a helmet and a buoyancy aid.
Coasteering has been happening (in a slightly clandestine way) for more than 20 years now. "When we first started taking groups down to the coast, it was near-impossible to find wetsuits for them," explains Andy Middleton, MD of my trip organiser, TYF Adventure. "But enthusiasm for the sport is really growing rapidly, as word of this fun water madness creeps out."
Fun. Water. Madness.
I've joined up with a small group in St Non's Bay, near St David's in Pembrokeshire. And the fear has set in. I procrastinate by learning some Welsh words - ymwroli (to pluck courage) and paid gofidio (don't worry) seem appropriate. "If you feel yourself falling, just cross your arms in front of you, lean back and go with the waves," says Coll Faragher, our instructor, matter-of-factly. He has a first-aid kit, a length of safety rope and, best of all, seven years' experience as a beach lifeguard.
My first challenge is to climb down to the rocks and into the sea. The icy shock of the water takes my breath away, and with little time to get over it, I sleepwalk into my first jump, a two-metre drop. It's not really jumping," says Coll, "more taking a step forward ..."
When I (eventually) open my eyes, all I can see is a rich, deep blue colour. Then, like a buoy, my body suddenly pops back up to the surface. I have to do another jump.
Coll says I should get familiar with the two-metre leaps before think about trying from four metres up. Sure Coll, just let me at it, will you? But he's right, the four-metre jump is much more tricky. The edge of the rock juts out, revealing a ledge no bigger than my footprint. I really struggle to find my balance before jumping, but once in mid-air, I even manage to make a star shape in the time it takes to fall.
I hit with an almighty crash. I thrash my arms, which are feeling distinctly tired by now. I have to swim for what seems an age before my head finally pops back above water again. Time out, anyone?
Coasteering is one of many adrenaline-charged activities led by staff at TYF Adventure from their St David's HQ. Despite its slightly "hoolie" appearance, the sport is underpinned by concern for the coast's environment.
"I grew up on the coastline and so these issues are close to my heart," Andy tells me from the welcome warmth of TYF's eco-friendly hotel, a converted house and tower mill with wind-up radios in the rooms and organic beer at the honesty bar. "With our watersports, I want to reconnect people to adventure through nature."
So here's what I learned during my close-up inspection of the cliffs and brine. When you climb, keep low and follow the waterline, so as not to be too high out of the water if you fall back. Then again, falling, if done right, can be fun. And when you're in the sea, befriend nature, don't fight it. I soon gave up trying to grapple with the waves; instead, I timed it so they were an aid, pushing me closer to the rocks I was trying to climb.
Did I mention this is totally, shatteringly exhausting? Much more so than a gym workout, but also tons more fun, especially in the aptly named "impact zone" where the waves crash against the rocks (and you).
The biggest downside was the gallons of salt water I swallowed. But that was a small price to pay for the sense of bravado that comes with taking on nature in hand-to-hand combat. And not losing.
·For more information about coasteering and a range of other coast-related sports, visit tyf.com
