The dilemma: I have been with my husband since we were in our late teens. We are now in our mid-twenties, with two children; we are best friends and have an excellent sex life. I have no excuse for fancying other people. About four years ago, when our relationship was not so good, I was briefly involved with an older man: the involvement went no further than a kiss, but it took a few years for our marriage to recover. Unfortunately, I have now developed a crush on a mutual friend who works with my partner. Possibly I should tell my partner and make light of it, but I can't because it is dreadful for him to imagine me feeling attracted to other people. I probably ought to cut off contact with the other party (who would be mortified if he knew how tragically excited I get about our correspondence and conversation), but I can't really do so, given that he's also a friend of my partner's. I have thought about explaining my feelings to the other person, but that seems like a cowardly way of suggesting an affair while deflecting responsibility for my morals on to him. The more I dwell on this in secret, the more I magnify the problem. I'd simply like it to go away.
First of all, congratulations. There will be many like me who felt a twinge of envy on reading the first couple of lines of your letter. Two kids, a best friend for a husband and excellent sex? Is it possible for anyone's cup to so overflow! Luckily, the answer came back a resounding 'No'. Just in the nick of time your dilemma proved that the rest of us aren't all hopeless losers and that you are, indeed, human.
So what about your problem? Well, what about it? The only reason it's causing you such angst is that you're refusing to take responsibility. Having chosen to create a life with your boyfriend and then adding two small children to the mix you have a duty to live up to those precious three people's expectations. For better and for worse might seem a daunting prospect, and I'm no advocate of martyring oneself for a miserable relationship, but that's not the case here. Instead, despite creating your grown-up family, albeit at quite a tender age, you seem intent on behaving like a teenager. There's no point in electing to eschew the roller coaster of twentysomething single life only to start hankering after its emotional thrills and spills the minute you're domestically entrenched. If you wanted to snog other men whenever the urge takes you then you shouldn't have settled down.
As for wanting this dilemma to 'just go away', we're supposed to be the most sophisticated life form on earth! If we can't control a mild attraction it doesn't offer much hope for us. You're looking for trouble and if you concentrate hard enough you'll no doubt find it.
In many ways this is all about moral duty. You have only to look to Africa, that supposedly third world continent, where in many cases children as young as 12 take on the responsibility of rearing siblings to see how pathetic and selfish we are here in the 'first world'. The trouble with having things too good is that it's all too easy to imagine that life will always be thus. Whether it's a robust economy or a secure family base, we will all, on occasion, take things for granted.
You've already had a bit of a dalliance (oh, all right, just a kiss), but as you're only in your mid-twenties it can't have occurred too long into your relationship? Now you are eyeing up someone else. It's as if you imagined that settling down would drive temptation from your door, but if anything it actually makes it a regular visitor. Men don't lose their appeal just because you've settled down with one of them. With any luck, we have the capacity to enjoy that frisson of attraction for the unknown for our entire lives, but it doesn't mean you have to bring to a conclusion every little crush. Brad Pitt is pretty darn sexy, but I like to think I'd turn him down for sex - though I wouldn't want that to put him off asking, of course! Desire is as basic a human instinct as you can find and the way we respond to it (hopefully with reason and judgment) is partly what marks us as products of evolution.
It sounds as though this may be an unrequited passion. I do hope so. If not, he's not much of a friend and by default not the best choice of lover. You're not too young to start taking responsibility for your actions, and with two young kids at stake I suggest it's high time you did. Either your domestic life isn't as rosy as you paint it or you are guilty of wanting not just your cake but any other slices that get left lying around, too. You're not in love with this man, or out of love with the father of your children, so to be quite honest you don't really have a problem!
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk
