I am 18 and in my last year of A-levels. In the past nine months, I have become increasingly at odds with my best friend of three years, who is 19 and in her first year of university. We used to get on enormously well, but as I've matured, my conversations have turned more to global and political affairs, which I feel passionately about. I'm a very liberal person, but she has rightwing views that she has picked up from her conservative, Catholic parents. When she states an opposing view to mine, she is unable to justify it when I ask her for the reasons behind her opinions. She gets defensive when this happens and I feel that she is uncritically reiterating opinions and values that her parents have instilled in her. Recently, she has even gone as far as to imply that homosexuality is grotesque and wrong, which is particularly offensive to me since one of my close male friends is gay. Despite all this, she is a reliable and trustworthy friend.

I feel that whereas I form my opinions rationally, she has not matured enough to think for herself and uses her religion as justification for making some contentious claims. As a result, I am reluctant to talk to her at all, for fear of being persistently and pedantically disagreed with. I avoided seeing her over Christmas, which led to a massive row. I told her that I was fed up of being criticised, but did not go into any detail. She told me that she wasn't going to change her mind and that I "can't force my opinions on her".

We don't share any mutual friends and I believe she will never compromise, so should I just let this friendship go?

Is the chasm too wide to bridge?

There are times when you have to accept that a friendship has run its course, and this may be one of them. Is this friendship worth fighting for or would a clean break save your sanity?

You are unlikely to change your friend's views and there is a point at which such continual fundamental disagreement becomes too wide a chasm to bridge. It sounds as if both of you are having problems respecting one another's point of view.

My best friend of more than 25 years is an evangelical Christian and I am a gay atheist who reckons Richard Dawkins has it spot-on. However, both of us keep our views of each other's lifestyle to ourselves and it hasn't demeaned our friendship in any way as we have plenty of other things in common and both of us have supported one another through difficult times.

Ask your friend where she sees the friendship going. You may be surprised by her response. It may be less upsetting and stressful for both of you to walk away now, before the good memories are eclipsed by incessant arguing.

Name and address supplied

You should apologise to her

You describe yourself as a liberal, yet you display a distinctly illiberal intolerance of someone whose opinions differ from your own. You seem contemptuous of your friend, of her parents, her faith, her maturity and her intelligence. People don't often change their views in response to combative debate, however "rational" the arguments. Their views and beliefs change and develop over time in response to life's experiences and relationships or as a result of voluntarily seeking more information on a subject.

There are more important things than your opinions about "global and political affairs". True friendship transcends such things. A friend's political and moral opinions are irrelevant when you need to rely on them in a crisis, or vice versa.

Apologise to your friend for treating her with contempt, judging her, and for "cutting her off" at Christmas - a time of reconciliation in her Christian tradition. Perhaps she will find the grace to forgive you. If she does - and it would be understandable if she doesn't - forget talking politics.

GO, London

Do you want a clone?

Nothing turns people off more than being preached at. I meet an old friend for lunch once a month. She reads the Daily Mail. Admittedly, this appalling fact was a shock to the system when I first discovered it, but we have continued to enjoy each other's company for more than 10 years now without falling out; we have lots of other, far more interesting things to talk about - a sound basis for the odd amicable disagreeement when we do stray occasionally into political territory. Normally such topics are an irrelevance.

The very last person I would want as a "best friend" is a clone of myself; but unless you can curb your missionary zeal, that is the only option that will be available to you.

AJ, Peterborough

Distance yourself from her

Ask yourself what you are getting out of the relationship with your "best friend". Does it outweigh the angst your differences are causing? My husband I were in a similar position a few years ago. We were in a social situation, and the offensive and intolerant remarks made by some members of the group about homosexuals, black people and the poor eventually spoilt the whole experience for us.

We decided it was not worth continuing in the company of such people, even if we did have some interests in common. We left, and have never regretted speaking out. Life is too short to spend in the company of people whose views you find so obnoxious and who sap all your faith in human decency. If you gradually distance yourself from this "friend", you will have more time and energy to devote to cultivating more fulfilling and genuine friendships with like-minded people.

BP, Vale of Glamorgan

What the expert thinks Linda Blair

Whether you should let this friendship go will depend on how you define "friendship". You describe yourself as "a very liberal person", but you should examine what that means. A liberal person is someone who champions the freedom of the individual; someone who would - as you do - accept the right of an adult to follow his or her sexual preference, for example. However, a liberal person is also someone who is willing to respect and accept opinions that differ from her own, as long as these outlooks don't directly endanger other people or break the law. You can therefore characterise yourself as a "liberal" only if you are prepared to accept and respect your friend's views, even when they don't resonate with your own.

Let's look at what happens between the two of you. You make a statement that espouses or implies a particular stance on an issue. Your friend responds with, as you perceive it, an unsupported position that stands in opposition to your viewpoint. You challenge her to justify herself. She becomes defensive. You then dismiss her opinion, concluding that she has not thought things through.

It sounds as if your friend is responding to your comments by offering her own in turn. You didn't say that she encourages a discussion about the topic concerned. Think about why you feel the need to challenge her. Furthermore, if you believe your

approach to be such a rational one, why do you so readily abandon an emotionally detached attitude when debating the principles you hold dear? For example, when your friend implied that homosexuality is "grotesque and wrong", you reacted by feeling offended with regard to a friend of yours; someone your friend didn't mention, and may not even know.

If an individual is certain of her own beliefs, she won't feel the need to insist that other

people agree with her, or even that they should justify their views if these are not the same as her own. Confidence in one's own judgment should not be dependent on repudiating the decisions of others as to the standpoint they take on world affairs or ethical matters. The fact that you feel resentful and offended when your friend disagrees with you suggests that you are not totally sure of your own position on these matters. Perhaps it would be wise to think about this possibility.

Should you abandon this friendship? The answer is simple: if you believe that the basis for a friendship is that you must agree with one another, it is probably best that you part. However, for most people, a good friendship is generally built on a number of elements, none of which demand that the two people

involved share the same political, philosophical or moral outlooks. As I understand it, a good friendship is based on feelings of equality, acceptance, affection and respect. Each person enjoys the company of the other, and feels free to be herself.

If you accept this definition, it is up to you to decide whether you can offer such a relationship to your friend, and whether you feel she can offer this to you - whatever opinions each of you holds.

Next week

My ex was scared to commit himself

I recently split from my boyfriend of seven years. We were about to buy a house, but two days before the completion date he told me he didn't feel right about it and was worried about the commitment involved and whether we would last as a couple. He had previously had doubts about his feelings for me, but I thought we had worked through them. He had talked of marriage and children, completely unprompted by me.

I told him it had to be all or nothing, and he chose nothing. We split up and moved out of the rented flat we shared. I moved to another city to try to build a new life for myself.

Now it seems that two very close friends of ours are going through the exact same thing. They were going to get married this summer, after 20 years together, but now the man claims he is not sure about marriage or having kids and has had a flirtation with a woman he works with. My ex-boyfriend is good friends with this guy and I know he turned to him for support during our own difficulties. I'm worried that my friend's partner has been influenced by my ex and the decisions he made about our relationship.

I don't know what advice to give my friend. Why have both these men sought commitment, then run away when things started to go in the direction they gave the impression they wanted them to? Can a relationship get through these hesitations and hiccups?

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