I am a 30-year-old man and am engaged to a 38-year-old woman. We have a three-year-old daughter together and my fiancee's teenage son from a previous relationship also lives with us.
We have been together for 10 years and have transformed ourselves from a student and a single parent on benefits to a couple who own two flats. She is in senior management and I am self-employed.
I am an only child from a single-parent family and have always wanted more children. My partner now says this is definitely out of the question and that if I don't like it, we should split up. She cites her career and age as reasons and has told me she is jealous of my relationship with the children. I compromised my ambitions and lifestyle in my early 20s for our family - I looked after her son when he was younger and I gave up work when our daughter was born.
My fiancee doesn't have many friends but socialises frequently with her younger staff after work. They lead a carefree "single" lifestyle which my partner likes to indulge in, knowing I am at home with the children.
I am a devoted father with strong parental instincts and think my partner is using this against me in the knowledge that I would want to avoid breaking up our daughter's home. In my own mind I have started to question getting married at all, given how things are. What should I do?
Marry her for who she is
Why are you making marriage an issue now, if you've already been together for 10 years? Are you trying to consolidate the financial security you have built up as a couple? It seems that you have both been leading separate lives for some time and have different priorities - she is career-minded and enjoys having the freedom to socialise, while you are family-oriented and enjoy fatherhood. Your fiancee has made her views about having more children very clear. You wish to impose your own aspirations of having more upon her, and it is only the possible negative impact on your daughter that seems to deter you from ending the relationship with your partner.
Do you really want to be with this woman or are you more concerned with being a father? You should be marrying her for who she is, not merely because she may allow you to father more children.
Name and address withheld
Tell her you feel exploited
Having another child is unlikely to sort out any of your problems. On the contrary, it seems that there are compelling reasons not to do so, given your doubts about your relationship as it stands.
You seem to resent having compromised your ambitions and lifestyle to look after the children, but if your partner continued in her job after having a third child, you would have to make further sacrifices as far as work is concerned, instead of being free to go back to full-time employment when your daughter starts school. Being left at home looking after the kids while your partner gets on with her glittering career clearly makes you feel exploited and taken for granted, so let her know how you feel about the present situation, instead of demanding she get pregnant.
Has it also occurred to you that having two children means that you already have a decent-sized family? My partner, like yours, had a son by a previous relationship and I raised him as my own from a young age. We now have three children, whom we refer to and introduce as "ours", yet in similar circumstances you describe this young man as "her" son. Perhaps you should examine whether treating the two children differently is a source of friction between you and your partner.
Ask yourself why you really want another child. Do you see it as way of stopping your partner's socialising after work? Are you jealous of her career and subconsciously seeing another pregnancy as a means of stalling it?
Although men can stay at home to raise children, it is only women who carry and give birth to them, so if your partner does not want another child you have to respect that. By all means discuss with your fiancee whether you still want to go through with the marriage, but don't make the decision based solely on your partner's refusal to have another child.
TB, via email
Think about what you have
You already have a family. Your dedication to your daughter should enable you to recognise that there is a lot to treasure, rather than resent, here. Your partner's reasons for not wanting more children really do need to be respected. She is not taking something away from you by not having more children.
M, London
Find out if you still love each other
Have fun together again! You have both been so busy building your careers that you have effectively been neglecting one another.
You say she is jealous of your home life and you cite her regular socialising with younger staff from work as a cause of concern. Since you seem to be comfortably off, employ someone to help out with childcare so that you can spend more time together. Don't just try going out for a drink or meal occasionally - you need to be sure you still love each other before you make any further commitments, whether it is by having another child or getting married.
CG, Brighton
Children must be a mutual decision
My wife and I have been married for more than five years and have chosen not to have children. We are happier than ever before. My brother-in-law's marriage is in difficulty, and he has children. They are not the solution to a troubled relationship.
Why should you put pressure on a woman to have a child in any case? It should be a mutual decision.
MW, Milan
What the expert thinks Linda Blair
It seems to me that you have four choices. You could end your relationship now. You could alter your official status as an unmarried couple, either by calling off the engagement itself, or by marrying. You could carry on as you are, and simply hope things will improve. Or you could continue the relationship, but try to make some positive changes.
If you end the relationship, you say you could still manage financially. Even so, you would both feel poorer. You would almost certainly see less of your children. The only real advantage is that you would be free to look for someone who would be willing to have more children with you. You need to bear in mind, however, that you may not find such a person.
Simply tinkering with the official status of your relationship is unlikely in itself to affect the quality of your day-to-day interactions with your partner, so isn't a helpful option right now.
Doing nothing to address the problems in your relationship hasn't worked to date, and you offer no evidence to suggest that mere optimism will work in the future.
Let's think about how you may be able to take practical steps to make your relationship more fulfilling and supportive. Start by considering how you communicate. Do you have regular opportunities to be together, without distractions? If you don't, why not hire a babysitter once a week? You could use those evenings to talk about ways of sorting out any difficulties you're having, revitalise old interests you shared when you first met and meet up with mutual friends. Regular discussions will encourage collaboration rather than antagonism. Sharing positive experiences as a couple will remind you of the things that attracted you to one another initially and is also important preparation for the time when your children leave home.
When you disagree, do you consider your partner's point of view? With regard to enlarging your family, for example, it sounds as though she would have to make bigger changes with regard to her work and life if she became pregnant than you would have to.
How often do you compliment her? It's all too easy to criticise. Whenever you can do so sincerely, say something pleasant. This is especially important with regard to her skills as a mother. She may feel jealous of your relationship with the children because she feels less capable than you, so encourage her to share parenting tasks, and compliment her efforts.
Finally, look carefully at your desire to have more children. It's important to realise that it's not the number of children that makes for a happy and fulfilling family life - it's the frequency and quality of the time you spend together. Why not organise some family outings at weekends?
Give yourself some time, say six months, to try some of these suggestions. Then if you're still dissatisfied, ask your GP to recommend a good couples therapist, or contact Relate. On the other hand, if you're feeling much happier, you may wish to set a wedding date.
Next week
My best friend and I can never agree
In the past nine months I have become increasingly at odds with my best friend of three years. We used to get on enormously well, but, as I've matured, my conversations have turned more to global and political affairs, which I'm passionate about. I'm a very liberal person, but she has rightwing views that she has picked up from her conservative, Catholic parents. When she states an opposite view to mine, she is unable to justify it when I ask her for her reasons. She gets defensive when this happens and I feel that she is uncritically reiterating opinions and values that her parents have instilled in her. Recently, she has even gone as far as to imply that homosexuality is grotesque and wrong, which is particularly offensive to me since one of my close male friends is gay.
I feel that whereas I form my opinions rationally, she has not matured enough to think for herself and uses her religion as justification for making some contentious claims. As a result, I am reluctant to talk to her at all, for fear of being persistently and pedantically disagreed with. I avoided seeing her over Christmas, which led to a massive row. I told her that I was fed up of being criticised, but did not go into any detail. She told me that she wasn't going to change her mind and that I "can't force my opinions on her".
She will never compromise, so should I just let this friendship go?
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