How very typical of the United Nations to be retroactively expressing doubts about my Raising Malawi fundraiser, which I held on the lawn of their New York headquarters last week. Who cares if I did it in association with Gucci, and pegged it to the opening of their new Fifth Avenue store? Can we please start looking at the bigger picture here, secretary general? As I sniffed to reporters, "There's always controversy surrounding anything that involves change."

Gucci were the perfect partner for the event and, like all philanthropists, it saddens me when people put politics in the way of helping children with flies round their mouths. And, indeed, in the way of selling of luxury goods. Gucci's new £1,200 It-bag actually comes with an inbuilt snakeskin purse especially designed for keeping your conscience in. Nor does it stop there. Maybe they could move one of their handbag factories to Malawi. That's the kind of question we'll be asking: can Africa come in more competitively than Asia? I'd wear Gucci whichever ethnicity made it, you know?

Anyway, all sorts of my famous friends paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for raffle prizes such as an hour's private football lesson with David Beckham. Tom Cruise seemed disproportionately furious he missed out on that one. But, really, someone paid $600,000 to have an aerobics class with me and Gwyneth. How can Ban Ki-moon look at that fact and feel depressed?

As seen by Marina Hyde