Name Susan Higgins
Age 30
Occupation Beauty PR
Relationship Married
Goals To decide whether or not she really does want to start a family, and to check her fertility levels

Tuesday January 15

Had my appointment with Mel, the nutritionist, today. She said I had been following the reduced sugar plan and not to worry too much about incorporating the exercise in to my day, especially as it's so cold and dark before and after work. I am conscious that I need to be strong while we are on holiday if I am to keep things up. She weighed me and I have lost 4lb. I'm so pleased because I have tried really hard and it shows that not drinking and eating properly really do work.

I met Zita and had acupuncture. I really like her informal approach. She gives off this maternal feel that makes it so easy to be yourself with her. I don't feel put under any pressure to announce that we are 'trying' and that is so important because I don't feel ready yet.

Wednesday January 16

I saw Carla, the CBT expert, today. We talked about thought patterns and harmful, unhelpful, and 'false' ideas or thoughts that make you feel worse about situations or yourself. The aim of this therapy is to assist me to change my ways of thinking to help keep my thoughts realistic and helpful rather than working against me. Just becoming aware of my thought patterns was empowering. I am now starting to challenge my thinking to become a little more relaxed and forgiving. My homework is to think about what my 'worth' is. My mind is full today, I can't wait to be on holiday to get some head space!

Wednesday January 16 - Sunday 27: skiing holiday in Whistler, Canada

The first activity on our 'things to do before a baby' list was this holiday. It has been booked since May last year, so we have been looking forward to it for months. The plane journey was long but once we arrived at our lodge our spirits lifted. Our friend James joined us from his new home in Sydney which made things even more special, and at 7am UK time we went to our first bar for a celebration drink.

We skied by day, stopping for hot chocolate when our legs were burning. The girls retired early for massages and hot food in the afternoon while the boys put in some extra snow time, meeting us back in the bar at the bottom of the mountain. The food was excellent, the slopes were superb and the company was legendary.

Holidaying with a mixed group of couples and singles (there were eight of us) really brought things home. I often take my freedom for granted but on this trip it was always there at the back of my mind. I don't think I'm ready to give it up just yet.

Tuesday January 29

With a feeling of dread I went to my appointment with Mel the nutritionist. I tried hard on holiday but I was sure that a few pounds may have snuck back on. I was shocked to find out I had lost 1lb! I am so relieved. Mel has told me to get my thyroid and iron levels tested as these both can affect weight and general health. I am secretly hoping that my thyroid is abnormal and once corrected I will slim down to half my size.

Wednesday January 30

Today was Carla, the CBT therapist. We talked about globalising problems and she showed me some really useful examples of how we sometimes label ourselves as a failure because of not achieving one thing in our life. I found this session really interesting and it made a lot of sense. No one can globally make a judgement on anyone and we shouldn't do it to ourselves. Carla asked me where I was with the baby situation and I said that I didn't feel ready to try yet. This was our final session.

Friday February 1

I got the results back from the thyroid test and I'm bloody normal. How very annoying!

Wednesday February 6

Today I went for my appointment with Zita feeling a little more excited than normal. For some reason, the thought of Ian and I having our own brood is now starting to feel different, good even. The more I learn about myself, the more I'm reassured that I'm normal and healthy. It's only been a month and I've felt so many different emotions. Zita said I looked better and when she did my acupuncture she said she felt something had shifted. I was pleased to hear that because today I felt strangely excited about the idea of our future life, but for the moment I will keep that little voice quiet.

· Contact me with your thoughts and feedback by emailing projectsusan@hotmail.co.uk