A bookseller recently told me there are several topics that guarantee a bestselling book in the US. As someone who has written only what might be called worstsellers, I was intrigued. Turns out, if your book is about one of the following, you can't miss: Abe Lincoln; a puppy; a dead, wise mentor; or how to maintain a positive attitude.

Immediately I thought, "If one's good, why not all four?" Hence my first novel, O Father Abraham, How Did You Get So Gladsome? In the opening scene, Abe Lincoln, at the lowest ebb of the Civil War, sits in the White House thinking about the catastrophic loss of life recently incurred at Antietam, and about Gabe Lincoln, his uncle, who is dead, but was once his wise mentor. Just then, a puppy runs in. This is Bingo, who teaches Abe the 10 Ways To Say "No!" To Negativity. Abe cheers up, wins the war, brings his uncle back to life and, by observing the 10 Ways, avoids his own assassination.

Because graphic novels are popular, I included illustrations: Bingo at a chalkboard, pointer in paw, instructing Abe; Abe kicking his heels together as Uncle Gabe emerges from the crypt, etc.

I was on a roll, so I wrote a second bestseller. In Sparky, The Inexplicably Negative Civil War Era Dog, a depressed cocker spaniel in 1862 becomes an alcoholic and starts spying for the South. Why is Sparky bitter? His wise mentor (Lawrence, a pig) has been slaughtered and made into bacon strips for the Union army.

As our story begins, Sparky, experiencing an episode of low selfesteem, is self-defeatingly chewing on the leg of an expensive sofa. Also, he is smoking and drunk as hell. His bark is raspy and disgusting. Just then, Abe Lincoln walks in. Immediately grasping the situation, he rolls Sparky over and scratches his belly in a way that makes Sparky's leg go nuts. Sparky is embarrassed, but then suddenly gets it: he has to love himself if he wants to be loved!

Sparky cheers up, becomes an adviser to General Grant, helps win the war, then brings his mentor, Lawrence the pig, back to life. Too bad, however: Lawrence now consists of 300 greasy bacon strips, which start following Sparky around, dispensing sage advice. Sparky, mucho freaked-out, reverts to depression, alcohol and the obsessive licking of his anal region. The bacon strips gradually drift away and also experience problems with alcohol and drugs, due to the realisation that they are getting more rancid every day.

This is all very sad, but sets us up for the sequel: Sparky The Rehab Dog: Sniffing Out A Bright New Day.