Theory Of Humour: Food

Last week we developed a Theory Of Funny regarding animals. Let's continue this important work by asking: which, if any, foods are funny?

Pies are not funny, although we think they are because we associate them with the "pie-in-the-face" gag. But when not being thrust into someone's face, pies are not funny. They are actually a bit snobbish, fancying themselves superior to their oaf-like cousins the cakes, who are essentially fat but lovable pies. Pies are just cakes who went to college. Cakes are working-class pies. Pies are neurotic worry-warts. Cakes take life as it comes. The animal corollary of the cake is the cow. The animal corollary of the pie is the sly fox.

A cake, though lovable, is not intrinsically funny. Unless it's a talking cake, wearing glasses, slowly melting in the hot sun, and as it melts it keeps up a steady stream of optimistic banter: "No, honestly, I'm doing this on purpose. Not hot at all! Doesn't my icing look noble?" Finally, the cake's just a runny blob. But it is in denial, and keeps talking. Then a horse comes up, eats the cake, and the cake screams. Not all that funny - except the horse is wearing a top hat. So, actually, it is funny. Not for the cake. But funny for you and me.

A cake is also funny if it's a wedding cake and the little couple on it come alive and have sex on top of the cake, and the cake looks up at the fornicating couple through its big, oversized glasses and gets a shocked look on its face, as in: "I can't believe you guys are doing that right on my head." The little groom, still doing it, reaches down, takes a big fingerful of icing and eats it. At this, the cake bursts into tears.

Funny.

Kumquat? Funny. Though I don't know what it is.

Pork snouts? Bacon? Not funny. Unless the bacon/pork snout is in a tuxedo. Plus, does anybody really eat pork snouts? One can only hope not. Hence, they are not food, so do not belong in this essay. Slink away, pork snouts, you do not interest us. Yes: you. Out, out. Although you do look nice in that tuxedo. Nice try. Green is a good colour for you.

Although, obviously, funny is subjective. I can't tell you which foods are funny. However - candy? No. Steak? No. Carrots? Yes. Tripe? Of course. Spaghetti? If someone dumps a bowl of it on a bald guy's head. Onions? Sometimes. Oranges, apples, capers, lentils? No, no, yes, yes. Lasagne? Yes, if a person on a diet is served a big fattening lasagne by someone he desperately wants to please (his mother-in-law, his chef lover) and then he looks at the camera and makes a sad face.

This is an example of pathos, which we'll discuss next week.