My boyfriend is 20 years older than me and he finds it difficult to get an erection without Viagra. I am 38 and wonder if the age difference is too much. He is very much in love with me, but does not seem to understand a woman's body - he is "willing" but clumsy - the movements he makes are almost masturbatory and he doesn't really connect with me. What can I do to improve this? He is reluctant to talk about the situation - it seems impossible to address it without making him feel he is lacking in some way.

Age is not the issue here and (between consenting adults) it rarely is. Sex is a learned experience and we all rely on gleaning information from our partners. Every woman is different, so you must subtly try to teach this man how to please you, by showing him what you like, then praising and rewarding him when he gets it right. Avoid criticising him. The fact that he is "willing" means that there is hope.

When a man as sensitive as he is does something you don't enjoy, you must still let him know - but use encouraging language such as: "I love it when you touch me more gently ..." or "I liked it more before, when you were ..." You can also achieve greater satisfaction with this man is by assuming more responsibility for your own pleasure. Try taking the initiative during sex. Like most women, you have probably learned to be quite passive in bed, but that's not necessary. Getting on top or being in charge can not only be a great way to ensure your own orgasm, but it can be a massive turn-on for him too.

· Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

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