Theory Of Funny: Pathos

This week, let's discuss pathos, which my online dictionary defines as "arousing feelings of pity, sympathy, tenderness, or sorrow", and then there's a pop-up offering a free-trial phone sex call with someone who can reduce my mortgage payment. But turns out this person is nearly 80, and has an unsexy smoker's cough, and her interest rate's higher than I'm paying now, plus she wants points! Then she dozes off and tumbles out of her rocking chair, and cries because she thinks she's broken her foot.

Would this be considered pathos? Yes. I stayed on the line as the ambulance drove her (and her husband!) to the nearest village, which ended up costing me, like, $300. So, obviously, I was experiencing "pity, sympathy, tenderness, or sorrow" for her. Later, when she sent me the bill for her lingerie, which she claimed had ripped when she fell from the chair, I began feeling "pity, sympathy, tenderness, or sorrow" for myself, especially when my wife found the Visa bill and was like, "Who the hell is Edna Sapperton?"

Why is pathos useful? Well, it opens the heart. Say we read about a mermaid who suffocates while riding on the back of a whale, because the whale is self-absorbed and stays at the surface for over an hour, forgetting that 1) there's a mermaid on his back and 2) mermaids can't survive in air for more than eight minutes. We're moved to pity. We begin to hate whales. We see that all whales are selfish idiots. Next time someone says, "Save the whales!" we are like, "Oh, I think the whales do a good job of looking out for themselves." Next time someone says, "Save the mermaids from the whales!" we think: "How true."

Many great writers use pathos. Gogol, in The Overcoat, makes us feel "pity, sympathy, tenderness, and sorrow" for his hero, Akakii Akakievich. Oh, gosh, what a hard name to spell, we think, that kid must have had a bitch of a time in school. Then his coat is stolen, and Akakii sickens, dies and roams the earth a ghost, searching for his coat. From this example of pathos, we can learn many valuable lessons: 1) Try to be rich, so that if your overcoat gets stolen, it will be no big deal - you can just buy a new one. 2) Don't cling to your possessions when deceased. This is unseemly. 3) Give your kid a name that is easy to spell, such as Aad, Gup or Nnnnn.

Are there limits to pathos? Sure. Say Hitler's riding on the back of a whale, and the whale dives to a thousand metres, drowning Hitler. Do we feel "pity, sympathy, tenderness, or sorrow" for Hitler? No. What we feel is: "Thank God, finally a whale with a conscience."