For every case of self-hatred there is an equally severe case of self-adoration. Some people have a secret little crush on themselves but keep it quiet. Others are passionately infatuated with themselves and can speak of nothing else. It's difficult to love somebody who loves themself because you always have to play second fiddle to the grand passion that is being enacted without you.

Conceitedness is a combination of nature and nurture. Being secure in the affections of one's parents is generally the precursor to a lifetime of self-snuggling. When the self-loving breed (sadly not with themselves), they usually worship at least one child as being a miraculous reproduction of a masterpiece, and so the cycle continues.

Self-love consumes all the senses: the conceited love hearing themselves talk, partly because they agree with everything that's said. For others, mirrors are perfect matchmakers. Dressing-table mirrors allow the self-obsessed to ogle themselves in both profiles as well as head-on. This visual ménage à trois can keep the narcissistic spellbound for hours.

You can get the best out of most people by words of encouragement. The self-loving take this to heart with a regular diet of lavish self-congratulation. This tends to give an outward appearance of smugness which, fortunately, the self-loving find is a look that suits them very much indeed, especially in profile.

The conceited are happy to share the object of their affections and are often confused and dismayed when people choose not to join in this love-fest. This reticence they put down to a lapse in judgment by others which at the same time confirms their own superior taste.

Love of oneself has no relation to personal achievement. Some of the biggest wastes of time and energy are the very same people who fancy themselves half to death. It's worth remembering that love is a form of madness and trying to deal with anyone in its throes is difficult.

The best way of managing the terminally vain is to lay on flattery with a shovel. It has to be laid on thick because they are already in receipt of wonderful compliments from themselves. Indeed, it's amazing how much you can flatter the conceited before you even approach their level of self-worth.