Are you healthy? I hate getting ill, it irritates me so I try to stay reasonably healthy. I got terrible flu last Christmas when I was working in a show on the West End. I was shivering, teeth chattering and I heard "OK five minutes" so I stumbled out on to the stage and just managed to get through it. I couldn't sing very well, but people would say that anyway, so no one noticed.
Do you worry about your weight? I'm aware that I need to lose some pounds. I tried doing the Atkins once. It's a joyless trudge through a load of protein. I started to lose weight but I was dizzy, hallucinating and dreaming about bread. I'd walk past restaurants and see people eating a buttered roll and want to wrestle the roll out of their hands, cram it into my gob, punch them and leave. It's not very good for your mental health.
What exercise do you take? I cycle and walk as much as I can, I play tennis and I go to the gym occasionally. I've started doing Bikram yoga. You're in a boiling hot room, bending over pretending to be a locust, you can't do that at the gym.
How much do you drink? I used to like beer, but it makes me feel slightly queasy. I've had my quota, so I drink wine now with a meal.
Attitude to drugs? It's a rite of passage. People try them, and then most people realise life experiences exceed the experience drugs give you. Drugs are a lesser option when you can see the sun bursting through the clouds, or run through the park with your own child – nothing will ever top that. Give them a go, but the delicious taste of cheese on a cracker with a glass of wine, have you tried that?
Have you ever had therapy? No. The trouble is I analyse my own thoughts on an almost minute-by-minute basis and so I don't think I would make it to the end of the session. You have these doubts and worries as you get older: "Am I going to get ill? What's my son going to turn out like? Will I still be able to write jokes? What's going to happen with climate change?" And then you realise that you've got a bit of low blood sugar, so you have a nice cup of Earl Grey and a fruit shortcake and all your problems recede.
How do you feel about cosmetic surgery? I did have a lump removed from my face because I was getting a bit worried. Lumps are all right, but if they get bigger you think: "I better have that away." I said to my wife that if I had enough money I'd have my arms lengthened. Slightly longer arms would be great.
Bill Bailey's Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra is touring from 6 November to 14 December. The Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra is released on DVD on 23 November. For details, go to www.billbailey.co.uk
