Ever spent a night in hospital? When I was about eight – to have some teeth out. I was a bit like a basking shark. I had two rows of teeth, and my parents, in their wisdom, decided that probably wasn't a very good look.
Notable accidents I was set on fire once. We were filming and the pyrotechnics went wrong so a jet of flames shot at me and my clothes caught fire. I was saved by Blue Peter because I remembered John Noakes demonstrated that you could put out a fire by rolling yourself up in carpet. There was a bed on the set and I jumped on to the duvet and rolled myself up in it thereby putting out the flames.
How much sleep do you need? I think I need about eight hours but the truth is, as I discovered when my son was born, you can function on about eight minutes. I used to fantasise about being able to stay up all night, now I fantasise about how early I can go to bed. Tragic isn't it?
Do you worry about your weight? I did a very stupid diet where you have three food groups and you never eat them together. It's so bloody tedious I'm losing the will to live just describing it. I managed to stay very thin because you spent your life wandering around starving hungry looking for a chickpea to go with a chicken leg. Then my son was born and I decided I couldn't set him such a terrible example, started eating all the things he ate, and instantly put on about a stone, but I'm much happier.
Are you happy? At any point it's possible to be happy in some areas and unhappy in others. We're all trying to find balance and I do recognise that balance as I swing past it on my giant pendulum and on to another extreme of behaviour.
How do you feel about cosmetic surgery? I've been going bald since I was about 17, I'm still hanging on to my hair for dear life, but I do sometimes wonder – should I get a wig? I'd be interested to see if they do invent some method of convincingly putting hair on your head, because they can put hair on your head at the moment but I've yet to see fake hair that looks as good as going bald.
Have you ever had therapy? I'm not a suffer in silence type, I'm a "let's throw money at the problem" type – I've done reflexology, reiki, psychotherapy, counselling. I've never actually had analysis but I'd like to try that sometime.
NHS or private? A bit of both. I've come to the conclusion that what you pay £50 for is somebody to smile at you when you go in, because otherwise there's absolutely no difference. It's simply a question of whether you've got the bottle to talk to some woman with a face like a slapped arse who makes you wait for three hours and then tells you the doctor's gone.
The second series of The Armstrong and Miller Show is out on DVD on 23 November
