Are you healthy? I've lost about 3 stone since the beginning of the year – I saw myself onscreen and couldn't believe how fat I'd become. I go to the gym as often as I can and I've cut out beer and lager.
Ever spent a night in hospital? Three times. The first time, aged four, I was circumcised. My grandma would tell the story that she came in to see me the day after the op and my doctor said: "Hello Justin, how's your willy?" and I said: "It's fine, thank you, doctor – how's yours?" The second time I was 12 and I broke my wrist, and the last time was to have a septorhinoplasty, at 20. When I was 10, Daniel Perrott very unkindly punched me and broke my nose, so it grew out like a banana when I hit my teens. Then I started getting a lot of migraines. So: circumcision, broken wrist, septorhinoplasty – nose, arm and willy.
What exercise do you take? Lots. I love to swim, I do a lot of walking and I do weights, but I'm not an iron pumper. Why can't we have a gym where there's no iron to be pumped, just runners and rowers and cross trainers? Can't they give the iron pumpers their own room so they can slap each other on the buttocks and grunt?
How do you relax? Saturday evening a couple of weeks ago we'd managed to get our boys to bed at a reasonable hour, I got a takeaway and opened a bottle of white wine, my wife Karen was sat at the kitchen table doing a jigsaw puzzle and I was sat next to her listening to my jukebox – and it was the most wonderful, relaxing evening imaginable.
Are you happy? Absolutely. My family keeps me sane and happy. I'm married to a very relaxed lady who takes care of me, and I'd be screwed without her, I really would. And we've got the most beautiful baby boys.
Attitude to drugs? I've never done a drug in my life. I've never tried cocaine – I've never even been offered it – but my attitude to it is if that's what people want to do and they're not hurting anybody other than themselves and they're in control, who am I to judge?
Is sex important to you? No, it's a very mucky, unpleasant business and I really couldn't care less if I never have sex again. That's my honest answer. I think it's so massively overrated – maybe that's just because I'm not very good at it, who knows? Obviously we have two wonderful sons, so it served its purpose, but I'd rather have a glass of wine and a good book. I'm a big fan of a kiss and a cuddle.
NHS or private? NHS, but my main bugbear is that GPs never have any time for you. They stare at the screen, they write you a slip of paper and they send you on your way, so just recently I've started to think – for my boys – if paying means that person is going to sit in front of you and listen to you, then maybe I'll start paying.
Good Times! by Justin Lee Collins is published by Ebury Press, £18.99
