Are you healthy? I have relatively good health despite, rather than because of, my habits. I probably have quite a bad diet and I probably drink too much, but you can be reasonably unhealthy for the first 35 years of life and still count yourself unlucky if you die.

Any notable accidents? I think when I was one and a bit I took a corner too fast on my walker and smashed my head on a skirting board. I still have a very slight mark between my eyebrows from that, but I've been quite timid and careful since.

Do you worry about your weight? No. I had a very bad back a couple of years ago, and lots of people advised different things, but the one thing everyone agreed on was walking. By walking for an hour every day, and still eating my horrific diet, I was able to get a bit thinner. I was slightly ashamed of being pleased about the weight loss, because the reason was my back, not vanity; nevertheless, that vanity is in me, otherwise I wouldn't be pleased.

What is your attitude to smoking? I've been an on and off social smoker for ages and never got hooked, so I reserve the right to have one on a fun night.

And drugs? When I was at university I would occasionally have some cannabis, but I don't think I ever determined what being stoned felt like, because I never had any when I was sober. Your dedicated pothead wouldn't sully his palate with lager.

Have you ever had therapy? No. Some people can be massively helped by therapy, but I don't agree that everyone should get some – it's not like dentistry.

How do you feel about cosmetic surgery? I think it's stupid and it almost always looks shit. It's a trend entirely based on vanity, and vanity is not an admirable trait at all.

Is sex important to you? Yes, but I would hesitate to say it's more important than average. People say men think about sex every six seconds; I can't believe that – it takes longer than six seconds to think about it properly once.

NHS or private? NHS. I don't have an ethical problem with private healthcare, though. Considering I'm self-employed I should probably have some sort of health insurance sorted out, but at the same time I should've learnt how to drive a car.

The Bubble is a comedy news quiz hosted by David Mitchell, Fridays on BBC2 at 10pm