Age: About 36 hours, by the look of it.

Appearance: Very, very red. Especially that bit on your shoulder . . .

Ow! Don't touch it! Why? Is it sore?

What do you think? I think you went to the beach at the weekend and fell asleep under a net.

It was a string vest. You look very funny. Hey, let's play chess! Navel's pawn to rib four . . .

Get off! I don't know why I still hang out with you. Because I'm such a mine of information. For instance, did you know that sunburn is caused by UVB radiation damaging the skin?

I did, actually, yes. And that there is an association between sunburn and malignant melanoma?

Thanks. Yes. Everybody knows that. So how come 3,000 people needed medical treatment at Glastonbury, most of them for dehydration, heatstroke and sunburn?

Because they were all hammered? Don't be ridiculous. It's more like Glyndebourne these days.

Oh, grow up. You and all those red Glastonbury people should have spent the last three months eating tomatoes.

Why's that? Because a study at the University of Manchester has found that people who ate lots of tomato paste for 12 weeks were 33% better protected against sunburn than a control group. It was as if they'd covered themselves all over in factor 1.3.

Pointless then? Pretty much. The NHS recommends a minimum of factor 15, and advises people to avoid going out between 11am and 3pm when the sun is at its strongest.

Yes, I knew all that. But it's no use to me now, is it? No. Although I can also tell you what the cure for mild sunburn is.

Really? What? Waiting until it goes away. Nothing else works.

Brilliant. That's absolutely marvellous. Thank you. Don't mention it. Just stay in the shade from now on and you should have stopped looking like a pillock by the end of next month.

Do say: "Oh, look! The hairs on your arms have gone ever so slightly blond!"

Don't say: "Let me just put some Dettol on that . . ."