Our 11-year-old son appears to have a fear of being on his own, day or night. He is unable to go to sleep by himself. We have tried lots of things: door wide open, all lights on, talking tape, etc. Last night I had been in bed only a few minutes before he called out. He was rigid with fear, tearful and said he did not know why he was scared. He told me he was so tired and desperate to get to sleep. I sat on the bed and waited for him to sleep with my hand stroking his back, but he kept turning to make sure I was still there. In the end, he slept in our bed and fell asleep instantly. He has also had several nightmares recently, and is fearful in the day to a lesser extent. He does not want to stay in the house on his own, even if I pop out for a few minutes. He has had no problems with this in the past.
He is extremely sociable. He loves people, he loves to talk, he appears confident. He has many friends. He has just started secondary school.
It has taken him a long time to tell me details, but he said he had watched a film clip about paranormal activity and had been scared by it. I wonder if this was the trigger, although he has been slightly fearful since we were burgled two years ago. Should we treat it as a phase? Should we let him sleep in our bed till he feels safe and moves back to his room when he is ready? Anonymous via email
Yes and yes. I don't know what is troubling your son. Something could be going on at school that he may not want to talk about. Or it could be as "simple" as your son becoming fearful after the burglary, then watching a scary film clip and now he is so overtired that everything is exacerbated (I have never slept the same since being broken into at night, and that was nearly 20 years ago).
But the important thing is that, whatever the problem is, your son is telling you what makes him feel better, which is a testament to your good parenting. I also think that you know instinctively what to do (soothing touch, letting him sleep with you). Your son feels safe when he is near you, an entirely natural, primal response, so don't be afraid that this problem will never resolve itself, and ignore people who say you should be tough and banish him to his room. The safer we feel, the more confident we become.
I consulted Dr James McKenna, professor of the University of Notre Dame's Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory in Indiana and a world specialist on co-sleeping (I know your son is not a baby, but McKenna knows a lot about child sleep). I will send you the full text of his reply, but this is part of what he said: "This is not any kind of sleep pathology. The confluence of events in this boy's life (burglary, film clip, school change and impending puberty – hormones) have created the perfect storm. My guess based on what you've said is that this is a phase and in my mind, a justified one. Personalities such as this (smart, perceptive, social, gregarious) are subject to intense thinking and imaginings and that is not bad. I have heard of this before and it is particularly acute with sensitive, gregarious, caring, sociable and empathic pre-adolescent boys. He is likely concerned not just for his own safety, though that fuels it, but rightly so for his whole family and calling his mother or someone does two things … it is affirming that his mother is all right and then works to make him all right. The film clip likely triggered this but I guess that he was already experiencing something like this."
He goes on to say that there is nothing strange in your son seeking protection and consolation from his loved ones, especially at night. "It's odd that we get rewarded for all the love and reassurance we give our children during the day but supposedly between 6pm and 6am those 'very good parenting behaviours', that lead to such positive consequences, are off limits. That's ridiculous. Such ways of thinking are recent social inventions, unique to the west. Resist them! Please trust in your own feelings for how to make their child feel safe. By doing so this otherwise very healthy and happy child will be able to enjoy his life again."
Your problems solved
Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence
