Fifty years ago, health was seen as the absence of disease. In the 21st century, we understand a great deal more about the world we live in. So our first message is, don't eat asbestos or cigarettes. Our second is that nutrition is still a very new science and there are no magic cures, so if you get high blood pressure or cancer after reading this, don't come moaning to us!

The basic advice for healthy eating is to eat well. Who would have thought it? The imaginatively named Eatwell Plate should be made up of one third carbohydrate, one third protein and one third fruit and vegetables of different colours. In case you aren't sure of your colours we've included some nice photographs of different coloured fruit and veg to help you. A clue: look under orange for oranges. Unfortunately, we have no nutritional advice for those who are colour blind, so tough.

But we don't just want you to be reasonably healthy. We want to go further and help you to use food as medicine for all sorts of illnesses, though if you are actually unwell we suggest you go to see a doctor. Here's a picture of some raspberries. We think they are quite good for you, as long as you remember to eat some carbs and proteins as well.

We're going to start with ailments associated with our gut. Bad breath: try to avoid eating garlic. And stay away from the cat food. Constipation: eat lots of vegetables. And start the day with a hot curry. Obesity: prepare a recipe based on the Eatwell Plate. Now throw half of it away, because you are greedy and have been stuffing yourself with double the recommended daily intake of calories. Irritable Bowel Syndrome: no one really knows what causes IBS, but many sufferers' symptoms have been alleviated by cutting out certain foods. So do a bit of trial and error. Recipe: we don't quite know if any of these actually cure anything, but they shouldn't do you any harm. Try the turkey and vegetable fajitas.

Now we are going to move on to external conditions. Acne: there is no known connection between spots and diet, so eat whatever you want. Hair loss: many people lose their hair through not eating enough zinc, so tuck into some fish. If the condition continues, you probably have either male-pattern baldness or are undergoing chemotherapy. Recipes: here are a few more random ones, such as Lucy's spaghetti bolognese. It's just like everyone else's spag bol, except it's Lucy's.

Eating well can also have a positive effect on the mind. Alcoholism: you can eat almost anything as long as you don't drink alcohol with it. Insomnia: cows milked at night produce milk high in melatonin. So get to know your local herds and find out which ones prefer a lie-in. Depression: there is strong evidence that omega 3 fatty acids mixed with Prozac can help with depression. Avoid going to McDonald's, as it can provoke negative thoughts. Anxiety: eat only chilled foods. Munchausen by Proxy: don't feed your kids arsenic. Recipes: try the Deep South rice and beans. I don't know why, but do.

In the next section we are concentrating on common conditions that may be improved by just eating a bit better. Erectile dysfunction: all men should adopt the Mediterranean diet. We're not quite sure why, but most Italian men seem to be able to get a hard-on at the sight of any woman in a skirt, so they must be doing something right. Pregnancy: if you are having trouble conceiving, you are advised to stop swallowing. Influenza: unlike the common cold, this can be extremely serious and you may die. If you have flu symptoms, go to bed with a few peaches and hope for the best. Recipes: prepare large quantities of hummus and salsa. They make ideal snacks for the funeral if you are unlucky enough not to survive.

Talking of which, eating well can also help when things get serious and you are diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening condition. Cancer: as with almost every other illness we've mentioned, you should not eat too much processed food or red meats … Also, remember you are what you eat. So avoid crab. Coronary heart disease: I bet you wish you'd paid more attention to your diet now your arteries are clogged, eh! We hate to say we told you so, but … "We told you so." Just eat less butter and stuff. And get out more. Dementia: make a note to remind yourself to eat blueberries. Then make another note to remind you where you left the first one. Stroke: why are you even thinking about food at a time like this? That's probably the kind of attitude that caused your stroke in the first place. Get to the hospital immediately. The first hour is critical.

Digested read, digested: Take one statement of the obvious and milk it for 280 pages.