So last week we had legislators being banned for saying the word "vagina" in a debate about abortion regulation because it was deemed "offensive". This week, the people who cannot bring themselves to utter that most scandalous of words are those at Femfresh.
Femfresh offers a range of "feminine hygiene" products – liquid soaps, wipes and deodorant – "for down there". But while they have developed and produced products specifically for female genitalia, they cannot bring themselves to utter the words vagina or vulva. Instead in their new ad campaign, Femfresh have opted for: mini (as in the car), twinkle (… little star, how I wonder what you are?), hoo haa (best said in an Al Pacino voice), fancy (like Mr Kipling's), yoni (an American term and makes me think of the dinosaur in Super Mario World), va jay jay, (which should really be one word), kitty (no one calls it this, particularly if you have an Aunt Kitty), nooni (amazing how many of these words sound like nicknames for someone called Naomi), la la (Teletubby), and froo froo (like the 1980s draw-string curtains).
As an avid follower of fanny euphemisms I am amazed that not only have Femfresh neglected to call a vagina a vagina but that they have picked a list of words that absolutely no one uses. They may has well have said "Femfresh is the kindest way to care for your pot plant, brouhaha, wibble, awooga, fnar fnar …". Even getting Miranda Hart to read these out for their radio ad campaign doesn't make it any more comprehensible. Of course as soon as social media got a whiff of this, they descended on Femfresh's Facebook page to impart some feedback. Commenters took issue with everything from the infantilising of lady bits, to a product which makes women feel shame about their bodies, to the fact that vaginal deodorants can cause bacterial vaginosis, to demands for penis deodorants to make your pork sword smell less meaty.
Girls are made to feel self-conscious about their muffloid area from around about puberty. We're told we smell of fish, of period or just of … fanny. This shame can hamper sexual relationships, impact on women's self-worth and has led to a situation where the fandango is getting shaved, waxed, vajazzled, bleached, surgically tampered with, deodorised, smeared with tightening cream, minty tablets shoved up it, and is covered over with a codpiece. I can almost hear that plaintive wookie cry.
However, the response from women and men on Femfresh's Facebook page was glorious, demonstrating yet again that the best way to confront this kind of absurdity is with wit, creativity and a back pocket full of vagina euphemisms. Femfresh felt compelled to respond with the post: "Just a short note to tell all recent posters that we have seen your comments and we will be getting back to you. Whilst we welcome debate, please can we ask that you don't post anything abusive or use bad language as this contravenes our policies and we will have to delete the posts. Thank you." Of course this just added petrol to the fire as commenters asked whether "vagina" constituted bad language. From every angle this is a PR failure, but what is a company to do when people think your product is at best ridiculous and at worst offensive and harmful?
Well, our consumerist society is expert at creating products we don't need and then making us think we need them. Why are women suddenly bloated all the time? Were we bloated in the 1950s? How did past generations survive without ginseng? Why is everyone suddenly using shower gel rather than soap? Because we think we need to. Yes, we make that choice freely but if it wasn't available we wouldn't all be thinking "Goodness, I wish someone would get around to inventing a small bottle of water that I can spray on my face for no discernible reason".
Women don't need specific cleaning products for their front bottom, in fact cleaning up the fun tunnel can be bad for you. And we certainly don't need to be patronised by an advertising campaign that tries to call my quim "lala". Vaginas are not just being airbrushed out of the abortion debate; they are being changed beyond all recognition whether surgically, cosmetically or synonymously.
So maybe "vagina" is actually the hardest word to say for politicians and marketers. Yet for the protesters in Michigan and the Facebook mob on the Femfresh page, it seems to roll off the tongue rather nicely.
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