Monday

Surprisingly, Monday is not the most miserable day of the week. That dubious honour falls to Wednesday, when the joys of the preceding weekend have been forgotten and the delights of the next one still seem some way off. One reason for the good cheer may be that, according to research from Imperial College London, Mondays are the safest day on which to have an operation. Danger levels then rise as the week progresses.

But don't get complacent. According to figures from the Metropolitan police, Monday is also the day when your mobile phone is most likely to be nicked. Thieves are very active on Mondays and Tuesdays, then slump in midweek, presumably becoming as depressed and lacklustre as the rest of us.

Danger rating: 4/10

Tuesday

Tuesday is the second safest day of the week on which to have an operation: lots of staff in hospitals; operating theatres working at full capacity. If you're very lucky you might even be able to see a GP, as they are rumoured to occasionally pop into their surgeries on Tuesdays.

According to a report published last year by Nationwide Insurance, it is also the safest day of the week on which to drive, despite the fact that research suggests Tuesday is the wettest day of the week. Wet roads make for safe drivers. Discuss.

Danger rating: 1/10

Wednesday

A depressing day, and one not without risks. According to the Imperial College figures, it is slightly less safe to have an operation than on Monday or Tuesday. Perhaps more worrying, Wednesday is the second most dangerous day of the week for commuters who drive to work.

Folk memories of Black Wednesday in 1992 might suggest it is also the most likely day for financial collapses, but research shows that Mondays are the shakiest day for stocks, possibly because traders buy riskier stocks on a Friday in an effort to meet their targets and these then perform badly early the following week.

Danger rating: 4/10

Thursday

Hurrah! Today is a largely safe day. It's less risky to have an operation than tomorrow or at the weekend. A little bit dodgy on the roads compared with, say, Tuesday, but again much safer than Friday. And best of all it's a great day to have sex, since cortisol levels are at their peak. Though, of course, this may bring its own dangers.

Danger rating: 3/10

Friday

It's not just on Friday the 13th that you should avoid leaving the house. All Fridays are lethal. The Nationwide Insurance report found Friday was the most dangerous day to commute to work by car.

The findings seem counterintuitive, since Fridays are the day when people pretend to work from home (Friday has been shown to be the least productive day of the week) and the roads are less busy, but they are incontrovertible. A thumping 4,664 insurance claims a day are made for accidents occurring on Fridays. Wednesdays and Thursdays are the next highest, with Monday and Tuesday a safe distance behind. Figures from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration in the US bear out the pattern, with Friday again topping the danger stakes. Nationwide concluded that drivers' concentration drops as the week wears on.

If the car behind you doesn't get you, the cybervillains will. A report last month found Friday was the day on which companies were most likely to be subjected to a phishing attack, again because as the weekend approached, IT staff's guard was more likely to be down.

Fridays are also dangerous politically. It is the most likely day for war to be declared and the most likely, too, for a coup d'etat – four of the 15 current leaders who seized power in a coup did so on a Friday.

On the plus side, Friday is reckoned to be the best day to apply for a job (take note, deposed presidents), because it shows you have kept your motivation going until the end of the week, plus of course all your potential rivals are hospitalised after car accidents or have been conscripted.

Danger rating (especially for dictators): 10/10

Saturday

Saturday is our happiest day, but can be risky. Beware overzealous sporting activities, exploding barbecues and, most threatening of all, excessive booze consumption. Google data shows a big spike in "vodka" searches on Saturday and an equally marked rise in "hangover cure" searches on Sunday. According to the British Medical Journal, there are more than 70% more alcohol-related hospital admissions than average on a Saturday.

Danger rating: 5/10

Sunday

The safest, sleepiest day of the week, as long as you can avoid going anywhere near a hospital and don't drive behind an elderly man in a hat on the M25. Very few coups, war is unlikely to be declared, financial markets are closed, and you have already had your phone stolen so no longer need to worry about it. Best of all, the minefield that is Friday is a whole five days away. Pray hard and you might survive the week ahead.

Danger rating: 0/10