In the past couple of days, cunnilingus has made a comeback (pun intended). Ever since Michael Douglas claimed that his marathon sessions had given him oral cancer, rather than the slightly more obvious culprits of drinking and smoking, everyone's had something to say about muff-diving. TMZ reports that ex-wife Diandra Douglas has made it clear to them that she "does not have HPV, period" under the headline "My lady junk was clean as a whistle", which makes it all a little awkward. Jezebel interviews a couple of doctors then concludes that we should stop panicking before Douglas "becomes the poster child for idiot teenage boys and abstinence-only advocates who already think vaginas are super icky". Meanwhile, site after site, publication after publication, outlet after outlet, has been running variations of the requisite "Is it true, are we all going to die?" features, in order to clarify whether or not every man who has ever pleasured his woman is due to pay the ultimate price.
Tabloid coverage has been a little more insidious, with the Daily Mail gleefully inserting a paragraph about Douglas's alleged sex addiction in a wider article about oral cancer and HPV. There seems to be an implication that Douglas's cancer was caused not by the good kind of oral sex with your loving and devoted wife, but promiscuity. Like when Brass Eye satirically suggested that we recognise the difference between "good Aids" (blood transfusions, infections from birth) and "bad Aids" (sexually transmitted), getting cancer through HPV – especially if everyone believes you used to be a sex addict – could definitely qualify as "bad cancer". Let us not forget that the hardier and most conservative knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers in the tabloids have been banging on about how the HPV vaccine for teenage girls will "encourage promiscuity" – that ultimate evil – for years. After all, without witnessing God's carcinogenic judgment rain down upon the lotharios of this world once in a while, how could we possibly stop our children from descending into chaotic, amoral rabbles of orgiastic anarchy?
Despite the bad press, it's somewhat refreshing to see the humble act of cunnilingus getting some attention. As far as oral sex goes, it's usually overshadowed by the blow job, which manages to dominate mainstream film, porn, magazine sex tips and musical references alike. Khia's song My Neck, My Back (Lick It) is the only song celebrating cunnilingus that has made it into the UK top 10 in my living memory – while "I'll take you to the candy shop/ I'll let you lick my lollipop" was the oft-quoted rhyming couplet of a global No 1 hit by 50 Cent in 2005. Whistle by Flo Rida was similarly a No 1 success last year, with its inspired admonitions to "blow my whistle", followed by the explanatory "just put your lips together and come real close", in case the former lyric had proven perplexing. Khia cut a solitary figure among a torrent of phallic metaphors. And now cunnilingus is back, but it comes at a price.
The HPV vaccine has been available and recommended for young girls for a while now, regardless of the initial right-wing outcry about encouraging one night stands. To give it better PR, it's usually known as "the cervical cancer vaccine", as HPV is responsible for 99% of cases of cervical cancer. Michael Douglas may have suffered from a cancer type which can (emphasis on can) be caused by HPV infection, but he will never know for sure: there is no medically reliable HPV test available for men. If anything, however, his case highlights the need for the other half of the population to be vaccinated against this preventable infection, something the Throat Cancer Foundation is campaigning for. HPV may be statistically more dangerous to women, but it is also dangerous to men, and in any case it makes no sense to ignore 50% of the population while attempting to protect the other half. While HPV exists among men, it will exist among women.
Since it seems more medically sound to vaccinate the entire population, the reason that the vaccine isn't offered to young boys must be because it can't be straightforwardly re-imagined as "the cervical cancer vaccine" when presented to parents. The explanation would instead have to focus on sex, and – yes – even cunnilingus. Discussions would have to delve into casual sex, broken or forgotten condoms, multiple partners, acts so deviant as licking out. Let's face it, no parent wants to be forced to imagine their little boy down at the business end of his girlfriend. But that shouldn't be a reason for chronic social irresponsibility.
Douglas may have retracted his claims that cunnilingus caused his cancer, but he's put tipping the velvet back on the map. If a 68-year-old man is chatting idly about his oral prowess during a press interview, you can bet that the teenagers behind the bike sheds are doing it. And it's time we started recognising cunnilingus as a natural part of sex, with all of its possible (and very small) risks, and talking about it. Because silence promotes ignorance and inaction, including decisions which really could cause HPV outbreaks leading to cancer in the future.
