Pregnancy really brings you down to earth with a bump. It's impossible to maintain a veneer of feminine mystique when you have to regularly pee into a tube on demand. At seven months pregnant, this has become a routine activity for me and yet it has brought me no closer to actually knowing where my urethra is.

With all of the fussing over the Duchess of Cambridge's birth plan and the fact that the announcement of the birth will be made via an easel outside Buckingham Palace, I'm comforted to know that she will be going through exactly the same indignity and terror that I am currently experiencing.

Undoubtedly, socioeconomic status hugely affects each woman's experience of birth, including the risk of death or long-lasting complications. But in many ways pregnancy is a great leveller. No one can escape the inherent ridiculousness of human reproduction that laughs in the face of the idea of "intelligent design". As big-headed mammals, humans need help to give birth. Women become virtually incapacitated at the end of pregnancy only to give birth to a completely useless animal that can do absolutely nothing for itself. If someone designed this, then they were far from intelligent. Sadistic, perhaps.

Every biological woman who has become pregnant, regardless of title or claim to the throne, will have to face the potential of piles, fat ankles, leaky boobs and a veritable daily lottery as to how our bowels will behave. Women's existence, whether through menstruation, pregnancy and childbirth or menopause, is a messy cacophony of blood, sweat, shit and tears. Our bodies ooze with so many lubricants and nourishments that it is no wonder the superstitious find us unclean, sinister, dark and powerful.

But while I can send fevered texts to my friend Jennie saying: "My boobs are leaking. I'm becoming bovine", Kate has to forward her birth plan to a press officer. When I was heaving over the sink in my first trimester, only my partner had to know so as to hand me dry toast and cordial. Kate had to be photographed coming out of the hospital, the staff of which were harassed to the point of tragedy.

We should talk more about the realities of pregnancy and childbirth, confront taboos about miscarriage and infant loss, be truthful about our fears and terrors about loss of identity, sexuality, autonomy, and pelvic floor muscles. And I'm sure there are some positives too. But poring over Kate's uterus is not the way to do it; it only highlights another woman's biological disempowerment and the ridiculousness of the monarchy.

If there was ever an argument for a republic in this modern age, it is the fact that I now know the name of the Queen's gynaecologist. As Hilary Mantel pointed out (to those who bothered to read her infamous lecture), the British are encouraged to feel that we should know or deserve to know the intimate details about our future monarch's entry into the world, as we will at some point be his or her subjects. This only puts into stark relief the absurdity of the hereditary principle.

There is nothing special about a royal birth; she's going to involuntarily curl one off during labour like the rest of us. But people will still feel a bizarre stake in that baby and in the duchess as its mere incubator. Even Princess Diana's ex-security guard says Kate shouldn't be allowed to stay at her mum's after the birth. This demonstrates another similarity between Kate and every pregnant woman on the planet; receiving constant, unsolicited advice.

This could be an opportunity to discuss the realities of childbirth for the women who can't afford the fees at St Mary's Hospital and the lack of autonomy that pregnant women feel around the world, whether royal or poor. One of the most important things I've found while being pregnant is developing a network of pregnant or recently pregnant women to moan to and ask frankly gross questions of. I look forward to Kate popping up on the "Am I being unreasonable?" thread on Mumsnet under the username "NearlyCrowning". Or actually speaking out loud to exclaim "Ooft, another kick in the bladder". But I also look forward to her progeny not automatically and undemocratically ascending to position of head of state.