David Tredinnick is an MP and member of the Science and Technology Select Committee. If you know anything about David Tredinnick, this should be quite an unnerving statement, given his constant and enthusiastic support for alternative medicine and other unscientific ideas. Today it was revealed that he wants to incorporate astrology into UK medicine and healthcare, because why not, right?

Sure, it’s easy to dismiss something purely because it has no basis whatsoever in established facts about how the world works, but perhaps we should be more open minded? After all, astrology is mainly known for providing horoscopes. And what are horoscopes but predictions about how a person’s life will pan out based on personal details (in this case, time and place of birth and position of stellar bodies).

Similarly, what is a medical prognosis? It’s a prediction about how a person’s life will pan out based on personal details (in this case, symptoms). So, who’s to say the two couldn’t be combined. We’ve established before that combining science and horoscopes is possible, so why not medicine and horoscopes? Maybe people could get a diagnosis and prognosis in their morning paper, freeing up time for GPs to treat more urgent patients and stemming the panic caused by use of Doctor Google. So here are some medical horoscopes, just to get the ball rolling.

ARIES (March 21^st – April 19^th)

Aries is a fire sign, meaning you are prone to hot flushes and allergic reactions to spicy food. Jupiter begins a transit of your romance sector this month, so be wary of large red spots emerging from the more intimate regions. Apply topical cream where necessary. The full moon in the middle of the month means family matters come into sharp focus, when you discover a hereditary predisposition to irritable bowel syndrome, which brings into sharp relief the previously mentioned allergic reactions to spicy food.

TAURUS (April 20^th - May 20^th)

Your ruling planet is Venus, resulting in persistent low-level anxiety as you feel you are constantly under pressure. The Taurus reputation for staying apart from the crowd and following their own path is actually a manifestation of this anxiety, sometimes developing into full blown agoraphobia. Avoid caffeine or excessive use of low-level stimulants, especially when driving. Mars is currently occupying your work and health sector, meaning a possible return of the eczema on your elbows. It will be temporary though, but be sure to wear long-sleeved shirts in any important meetings.

GEMINI (May 21^st – June 20^th)

Gemini is an Air sign with the ruling planet mercury, meaning your hay fever comes and goes very quickly, so be sure to keep tissues handy at all times. Your inherent curiosity and eagerness to explore leads to your attempting to repair a faulty plug on the 19^th, resulting in a moderate electric shock which leave you with a tingling feeling in your right arm that proves bothersome but will fade after a week. Try doing some stretching exercises to aid blood flow. Speaking of which, Saturn passes through your love zone this month resulting in bouts of an extremely hormonal nature, so be sure to keep tissues handy at all times.

CANCER (June 21^st – July 22^nd)

While nobody likes seeing Cancer or Crabs in a medical prognosis, your horoscope proves to be encouraging this month. A water sign heavily influenced by the moon gives you a tendency to sweat more than average, which is nothing to be overly concerned about, but try deodorant and lighter clothing. Jupiter eclipsing Saturn means that an attempt at a juice-based diet will result in weight loss but also excessive occurrence of hiccups, which will prove to be socially damaging at a family funeral.

LEO (July 23^rd – August 22^nd)

Your sign is heavily influenced by the sun which comes to fore later in the month, resulting in a case of heatstroke, so stay indoors and drink plenty of fluid for at least a day. This is due to you entering a new phase of your life cycle where you are more forgetful about applying sunscreen, as well as overlooking the use of important safety equipment at work, resulting in a broken toe and a disciplinary.

VIRGO (August 23^rd – September 22^nd)

A Virgo’s main desire is to love and to be loved, resulting in an ill-advised dinner date in a restaurant serving undercooked seafood, causing a fairly debilitating case of food poisoning early in the month, so stock up on plain simple foods like bread and crackers, and oral rehydration salts if possible, and avoid strenuous activity for a week in order to conserve strength. The date will not result in anything long term, largely due to their untreated gingivitis.

LIBRA (September 23^rd – October 22^nd)

An unsteady vibration in the transit of Venus through your health zone means a routine X-ray in a check-up finds an alarming shadow. Further scans reveal it to be just an artefact caused by an error when processing the film, but it causes you to panic and adopt healthier lifestyles, many of which are unsustainable (e.g. the daily 5 mile jog) but cutting down on red meat is worth pursuing.

SCORPIO (October 23^rd – November 21^st)

Scorpios are believed to be the most powerful and wisest of all the zodiac, and this confidence and superiority results in a lack of attention leading to a minor collision while driving, causing whiplash. A hospital visit will not be necessary, but do take over-the-counter painkillers if it gets too bad. The positive influence of Neptune in the work zone means you won’t need time off (although your office chair will need ergonomic evaluation). However, Mars passing through your finance region means you lose your no-claims bonus.

SAGGITARIUS (November 22^nd – December 21^st)

Another fire sign, your bombastic nature and gregarious tendencies are actually masking a deep-seated neuroses and lack of ability to cope with ever mounting work pressures caused by the influence of Mercury in your family sector. This will result in a nervous breakdown at the end of the month unless calming measures can be taken. Try Yoga.

CAPRICORN (December 22^nd – January 19^th)

This month, Saturn is no longer retrograde, leading you to decide to begin a new journey of discovery and self-development, so you opt to quit smoking finally. While your deteriorating mood will take its toll on your family life due to Venus’s exit of the relationship zone, you will soon gain the ability to climb a whole flight of stairs without stopping for breath once, indicating increased lung capacity.

AQUARIUS (January 20^th – February 18^th)

The start of a new cycle and an increased awareness of the views of others prompts you to finally clear out the garden shed, but dormant problems with your focus emerge, caused you to catch your hand on a rusty nail sticking out of an ancient bookshelf. It will be painful and require a tetanus booster, but no lasting damage will occur. Venus rising in your home system means you should also clean your lawn, as the new organic food you bought does not “agree” with your cat.

PISCES (February 19^th – March 20^th)

Woah… look, don’t start watching any new box sets, let’s put it that way.

Dean Burnett predicts he will be receiving some choice words about this on Twitter, @garwboy