Traditionally an American occasion, Black Friday is fast spreading overseas, and is seemingly already well entrenched here in the UK. If you’ve been living in a small cave in the middle of the wilderness with only a limited 3G signal for the past few years, you may not know what Black Friday actually is. It’s basically the day after Thanksgiving in the States when the Christmas shopping period supposedly begins, where most stores offer sales and deals to encourage people in. With the mainstream media clearly on board, this concerted (and clearly effective) effort to encourage shopping and spending has increased every year to the point where Black Friday shopping has become a genuinely dangerous affair, with actual violence breaking out already today (at the time of writing, it’s not even 9am yet).

Functioning humans are seemingly reduced to the mentality of swarming creatures mindlessly desperate to obtain something. It’s like piranhas attacking a cow carcass, except instead of a cow it’s a discount flatscreen TV, and instead of teeth the piranhas have credit cards. This analogy does break down a bit admittedly, but not as much as social norms on Black Friday, so I feel it’s warranted.

So if you do feel the need to venture out into the commercial warzone, it’s important to be prepared. Shops and companies want your money, they don’t have your best interests at heart, so instead we can rely on safe, impartial science to provide some objective advice on surviving the onslaught.

Staying awake

Black Friday sales may begin at usual shopping hours or just before, but such is the “enthusiasm” of shoppers that people tend to queue outside all night, in order to be the first to get the best deals. If you wish to get the same opportunity, you’ll have to do the same. But sleep deprivation has many negative effects on people, the most well-known of which are irritability and stress, and poorer concentration. Perhaps it’s no surprise that Black Friday shoppers seem so irrational and quick to anger: they’ve been up all night.

There are many ways to stay awake without causing too much harm to yourself. Caffeine is an obvious option, but this has potential side-effects when taken to excess. It’s possible to stay awake in a more “healthy” manner by staying in well-lit environments, staying hydrated, and engaging in cognitively demanding activities such as detailed conversations. All of these conditions can usually be met when queuing outside a superstore in the rain for no logical reason, so that’s lucky.

Be aware of the group

Being part of a large frenzied mob has several alarming effects on people, hence the phrase “mob mentality”. Being surrounded by other people in a state of high arousal causes the same thing to happen to us, and we end up unknowingly joining in via the process of deindividuation, where we lose self awareness and adherence to social norms. Groups of people often tend to behave and think in ways that are more extreme than those of individuals. Ergo, a large group of people is more likely to think that storming the electronics aisle of a supermarket is an acceptable way to behave, and those caught up in the group lack the self-awareness to realise how ludicrous this it, so it actually happens.

If you are shopping at the time, it’s best to avoid the more frenzied, desperate groups and concentrations of shoppers, as you’re more likely to end up in a mad scramble for something you don’t actually want, just because other people do. And you may end up literally fighting them for it.

Speaking of which…

Upper body strength

The point of Black Friday seems to be to get as much stuff as possible before other people get it, as fast as you can. The more expensive items tend to be quite bulky, such as televisions or vacuum cleaners. But to get these, you may have to push through or fend off dozens of other people. Ergo, impressive upper-body strength would be useful. It’s probably a bit late to work on this for this Black Friday, but there’s always next year.

If you’re picking up several large items, be sure to do it safely, by avoiding bending your back, or twisting, and keeping your head up. It would be helpful to use a trolley, but that’s unlikely to be possible; given the density of people, trying to get a trolley through a Black Friday crowd would be like trying to push a sofa through a cat flap.

Claustrophobia

Don’t be claustrophobic when Black Friday shopping. That’s the only real option.

Suitable attire

If you’re going to spend the day fighting your way through dense crowds of similarly combative people to obtain consumer goods, it’s important to dress in a manner which will facilitate this. Consider wearing something that will deter people from pushing up against you. One option is to get a pair of Madonna-style “cone” bras (one to wear on the front, one on the back) and reinforce them with some sheet metal or steel spikes, thus anyone who pushes to close gets mildly stabbed for it.

Reducing your overall friction to push through crowds would also help. Something made of PVC or similar material would help. You could also enhance this further by covering yourself in baby oil, Vaseline or other easily obtained lubricant. But be sure to keep your hands capable of gripping and lifting, so some heavy duty work gloves would be wise.

An added bonus is that if you turn up to a shop clad in Vaseline-smeared PVC while wearing two pointy bras and working gloves, people are likely to give you as wide a berth as possible in any case, no matter what bargains are available.

Exercise free will

It’s important to remember that Black Friday isn’t mandatory. You can shop on any other day of the week in modern times, and it’s the start of the Christmas sales; they’re not a one-day phenomenon. Perhaps you won’t get the discount item you want. Who cares? You’ve managed up to this point without it, another few weeks won’t hurt. Just because commercial entities and the media keep telling you to buy stuff, it doesn’t mean you have to. It’s amazing how many people forget this.

Dean Burnett doesn’t have anything to sell so probably isn’t as impartial as he’d like to be about Black Friday. He’s on Twitter, @garwboy