Were you productive? By Tim Dowling

1 In 2014, the concept of work-life balance was largely superseded by the term “blend”. What, for you, constitutes the optimal blend?

a) A stress-free mix of challenging employment and family time.
b) A combination of healthy diet, brisk exercise and giant lottery win.
c) Eight hours work, eight hours sleep, eight hours none of your business.
d) Half coffee, half alcohol.

2 What does the vogue term “attention management” mean to you?
a) Absolutely nothing.
b) The ability to send work emails and sing Happy Birthday to my four-year-old simultaneously.
c) The ability to filter out distraction and focus on what’s important.
d) Sorry, what?

3 Looking back, what single strategy could have most improved your productivity in 2014?

a) Working at a stand-up desk.
b) Learning to cross things off my to-do list without actually doing them.
c) Going to fewer meetings.
d) Leaving my “out of office” email reply on from April onwards.

4 Which motto best sums up your attitude to work?
a) Don’t be busy; look busy.
b) Work smarter, not harder.
c) A tidy desk is the sign of an untidy mind.
d) An untidy desk makes people think you’re still in the building somewhere.

5 Which of the following statements best characterises your approach to productivity over the past year?
a) Every time I looked up from my computer, I seemed to be further behind.
b) I got almost everything done; I just wish I’d been able to spend more time hating my boss.
c) I worked in the moment, and I played in the moment.
d) I had a productive year at work, spent quality time with my loved ones, fulfilled all my social obligations, and found several effective and efficient ways to combat stress. Unfortunately, I also forgot to pay any tax.

Results
Mostly As Your ideas about productivity are very last year.
Mostly Bs Not bad, but must try smarter, not harder.
Mostly Cs You’re on your way. Next year you can become even more productive, for the same money.
Mostly Ds You’re beyond productive, and soon to join the ranks of the mindfully unemployed.

Were you mindful? By Stuart Heritage

1 You were stuck in traffic, about to be late for an important meeting. What did you do?
a) Keep your hand pressed on your horn while screaming the worst words you could think of.
b) Phone ahead and inform everyone of the situation.
c) Relax. We’re all just petals in the wind. This will pass.

2 Someone on Twitter said something you disagreed with. What did you do?
a) Fire off a furious all-caps rant besmirching the author, block them and spend the rest of the day stewing.
b) Remember the consequences of a previous Twitter spat and put your phone away.
c) Breathe a sigh of relief. You remembered to begin your day with a contemplative morning practice, leaving you better positioned to dispel negativity as it arises.

3 What was your sleep ritual in 2014?
a) Falling asleep on my sofa fully clothed every night, and then at several points during each day.
b) I don’t have a ritual. Some nights I sleep OK, other nights I don’t.
c) I stop checking emails an hour before bed. I read quietly to myself in a softly lit room. I leave my phone to charge in a different room. I bathe in warm water. I go to bed and breathe, taking note of any areas of tension in my body. Finally, I peacefully drift off.

4 How do you put your shirt on in the morning?
a) Grab shirt off the floor, throw it on, go to work.
b) Pick something that matches my outfit, then dress with pride.
c) I take time to truly concentrate on every aspect of the shirt – the texture of the fabric, the buttons, how it feels against my skin – in the knowledge that this will ultimately provide me with a more authentic life experience.

5 Describe the last meal you ate?
a) I force-fed myself three supermarket doughnuts while running for the train.
b) I think I ordered a pizza. Or did I buy it and cook it? Either way, it was pizza.
c) First, I went shopping, paying attention to my breathing in order to discourage emotional impulse purchases. Then, once I’d audited myself and deemed myself to be sufficiently hungry, I lingered over each ingredient’s weight, smell and origin. Several hours later, I actually ate something.

Results
Mostly As You are possibly the least mindful person who ever lived. You’re a seething, impulsive id, travelling through the world spoiling for a fight. Would it hurt to take a step back and process your feelings before acting on them? Probably. Do I have the guts to suggest this to someone as angry as you? Definitely not.
Mostly Bs Well, aren’t you just Captain Super-Adjusted? This is probably the perfect amount of mindfulness. You’re not a slave to your feelings, but neither are you entirely disconnected from the real world. It must be so great being you, with your wonderful life and sensible worldview. You must be so happy. (Everyone hates you.)
Mostly Cs Congratulations, you are extraordinarily mindful. Every life experience, no matter how tiny, provides you with the perfect excuse to run an internal diagnostic check on your feelings. As a result, you now observe your emotions from a distance rather than experiencing them first hand; something that simultaneously makes you seem bored and a little bit smug.

Did you break the internet? By Morwenna Ferrier

1 You posted a video of yourself doing the ice-bucket challenge for the Motor Neurone Disease Association, prefixed by a moving speech. What happened next?
a) Nothing, because no one knew what they were supposed to do.
b) Someone posted a link about the drought situation in California which took the gloss off somewhat.
c) You immediately haemorrhaged 82 friends online and three IRL.
d) You made a difference (you didn’t).

2 A complete stranger tweeted a photograph of you doing nothing extraordinary in your place of work accompanied by the word “YOOOOOOOOOO”. What happened next?
a) You haven’t logged on to Twitter since May 2012, so not a clue.
b) It appeared, momentarily, on the feeds of said stranger’s 37 followers before vanishing like a forgotten fart.
c) You reported her for stalkerish behaviour. Weirdo.
d) Where to begin? First your face got retweeted many, many times by people you don’t know. Then you asked the world, rhetorically, whether that now made you famous. Then you went on the Ellen DeGeneres Show to discuss the former. Then you got a bunch of death threats and since then, you haven’t actually left the house because, apparently, the internet has a love/hate relationship with overnight viral sensations and you are the new Alex from Target.

3 What do the words “Pharrell” and “giant hat” mean to you?
a) Very, very little.
b) Are they characters in the new Michael Morpurgo?
c) Happy is proof, if proof were needed, that video did indeed abolish the radio star.
d) If a famous producer with a GSOH wears a giant Vivienne Westwood hat, the internet will implode.

4 Who is this?

a) Dorian Gray?
b) Is he the new face of Calvin Klein?
c) The hottest guy we’ve seen all year, hands down.
d) A convicted felon who happens to have the face of an angel.

5 Who broke the internet?
a) I said I didn’t touch the wires at the back.
b) Ellen DeGeneres and her (cough sponsored cough) celebrity-filled Oscars selfie.
c) Whichever little shit it was who told everyone our Amazon passwords.
d) Kim Kardashian’s glossy behind on the cover of Paper magazine.

Results
Mostly As Babe, the internet turned 25 this year. It’s time to get online.
Mostly Bs You did not so much fail to win the internet as fail to connect to the internet.
Mostly Cs You know the memes, but you refuse to engage. While we admire you, if you applied the same diligence to “cutting loose” once in a while, we wouldn’t be laughing at you now. Just FYI.
Mostly Ds You’re so au fait with 2014’s virals and vines that you’re either 14 or unemployed. Congratz!

Did you take care of yourself? By Nicole Mowbray

1 Let’s start with some definitions. This year it’s been impossible to avoid the term “cold press”, but what exactly is it?
a) A push-up done outside in the chilly winter months.
b) An iced flannel you apply to an aching muscle after exercise.
c) An expensive juice produced by applying pounds of pressure to fruits or vegetables, keeping all their nutrients.
d) Something young people say to describe being busy, for example, “I haven’t had a chance today, I am cold pressed.”

2 Everyone’s talking about CrossFit. What does this mean to you?
a) The anger you feel when you’ve skipped the gym for a few weeks, return, then realise you’re back to square one.
b) The emotion felt when you try to do up those slim-fitting work trousers after two weeks spent on the sofa eating a kilogram of Cadbury’s Miniature Heroes.
c) It’s a cultish competitive full-body workout, fusing cardio, weights, gymnastics and core work.
d) The politically correct name for unisex clothing.

3 What is cacao?
a) It’s just the same as cocoa only spelt incorrectly.
b) A casino city in China.
c) The fermented fatty seeds of the cocoa plant, popular as a natural (but possibly less palatable) alternative to cocoa or chocolate.
d) The highly anticipated Nike Air diffusion line, set to launch in 2015.

4 Your friends have been talking about going “paleo”. You don’t know what they’re talking about, do you?
a) Yes, paleos is a Greek dietary trend involving eating only light-coloured foods.
b) Of course, they’re excited about the new biscuit range from Oreo.
c) Sure I do. Paleo is short for Paleolithic, and involves consuming only foods our hunter gatherer ancestors would have eaten.
d) Rumbled. No. No, I don’t.

5 Sugar: friend or foe?
a) I’ve swapped it for honey or agave on my porridge.
b) It’s a term of endearment, I don’t see the problem.
c) Is granulated evil. I’m trying to stay under the World Health Organisation’s recommendation of six teaspoons a day – and that includes honey, agave and maple syrup.
d) Foe. I think he’s become unnecessarily mean in the last series of The Apprentice.

6 You use the TRX straps at the gym for what?
a) I walk up to them, put my hands in and jiggle them about, then walk away before anyone notices I don’t know what I am doing.
b) The what at the where?
c) It’s a suspension system that helps with total body conditioning. I do jack-knives, mountain climbers and the plank.
d) Hanging up my gym bag. They’re like those “keep your bag safe” hangers found in pubs. Aren’t they?

Results
Mostly As A little more attention to detail is needed before you know your quinoa from your kibbeh.
Mostly Bs Must try harder, once you’ve finished off that box of Marc de Champagne truffles.
Mostly Cs Congratulations. You are Gwyneth Paltrow.
Mostly Ds Your mum penned you too many sick notes during PE classes. Back to the pommel horse for you.