Just a tonic water for me, please – sorry, I’m off the wine – a diet one, loads of ice, and if you could ask them to add a tiny dash of lime juice and some bitters – non-alcoholic obviously? Well, you’d think they’d have non-alcoholic bitters in dry January. No wonder Britain has a drink problem. OK, I’ll have a vinegar soda – one part balsamic to 10 of diet lemonade, with lots of ice. Really, not even cider vinegar? OK, a J20 then, please – the cranberry and coconut, if they’ve got it, loads of ice.

Oh. Tap water’s fine, mmm, you all just enjoy your wine. I’m not being brave, honestly, I don’t miss it at all now. And even if I did, you just think what you’re doing for your body, and that thing of waking up feeling instantly awake, plus everyone’s been commenting on my skin. And the way the weight’s falling off, it’s only when you stop, you realise you’ve basically been drinking an entire dinner every night – no, go for it. It’s all on the Dryathlon website, and the charity part keeps you motivated. It’s not too late to sponsor me, actually, I’ve got some forms.

Well, technically, I’m on day five – there was this wedding last weekend, then a work thing, then a birthday, and it seems a bit selfish to guilt-trip everyone else, so I’m carrying those days over into February, or March, if necessary, or April, if need be. Do you just want to sign here? Most people are doing a minimum £30.

Look, if I’m upsetting anyone, I don’t mind having a glass. No, that’s the great thing: you’re totally allowed to, so long as you pay the tipple tax – I’ll literally be fined for each drink. I think it’s around 25p? Is this a chardonnay? No, fine, I’ll just dilute it, I’m not saying 14% is totally irresponsible, but have you ever read what it does to your liver? Terrifying. Just another drop, thanks. I’d give up permanently, except being around drunk people is so unbelievably boring. Have you ever tried a ginger and spinach mocktail?