It’s January. You’re feeling bad about yourself. Your life is a mess, your partner hates you and you’re in a dead-end job. I feel your pain. Really. Though I don’t share it, obviously, because I’m feeling pretty damn good about myself. What I do want you to know is that you don’t have to be like this any more. If you start today and follow the easy to follow programmes on the CD and my website, you can be whoever and whatever you want to be. Starting right now. All you have to do is follow these six easy steps that for simplicity’s sake I have chosen to call three steps.

Close your eyes. Forget all the previous Januaries when your sense of personal disgust and futility was so overwhelming that you went on a diet, stopped drinking and resolved to be the best you you could possibly be. Now forget that in each of those Januaries you bought self-help books by me – I Can Make You Smarter, I Can Make You Richer, I Can Make You Thin and I Can Make You Modest among others – and that they clearly didn’t work because you’re still a fat failure. Good. Now we’re ready to move on.

The only thing that is stopping you from being a success is you. It doesn’t matter if you have no obvious talent whatsoever. If you want to become a millionaire, you can. If you want to become a world famous actor, you can. All you need is self-belief and the right attitude. Here’s an experiment I did on several glasses of water. To half of them, I said, “I want you to become the happiest water you can.” These glasses froze themselves into ice crystals of sublime beauty. To the others, I said, “I want you to become the saddest water you can”. These glasses froze themselves into really ugly ice crystals. Just remember. You are 60% water.

You can take your life back. Too many people in the world blame their circumstances. “My parents were poor. We had no food or water.” These are just the excuses we tell ourselves. The truth is, everyone can be rich and happy. Take my close friend, the businessman and philanthropist Sir Philip Green. Sir Philip was born with nothing, made a million and then lost it, was he downhearted by this? No. He resolved to make another fortune and keep it this time. Which is why he transferred his business assets into his wife’s name to take advantage of her Monaco residency status and avoided paying millions of pounds in tax. If everyone behaved like Philip we could cure world poverty overnight.

Write down where you see yourself now. I expect the word “loser” features heavily. Now write down where you see yourself in 10 years time. Look how often the word “delusional” appears. Now you’re on your way. There is a Magic Bullet that can help you get there. And it’s based on the latest neuro-scientific findings in the Journal of Applied Wishful Thinking. Located between the amygdala and the hippocampus is a small unused part of the brain called the McKenna. We are going to activate it.

I want you to do this particular exercise online. Imagine one bad feeling about yourself that is holding you back. It could be that you feel you are gullible. Now I want you to massage the McKenna area of the brain gently to slowly force that feeling down your neck, through your torso until you can feel it resting just behind your left knee. I call this process “havening” as that feeling of gullibility will trouble you no more. It will stay behind your left knee forever and you are now free to win a Nobel prize for physics.

You will need perseverance, though, because that feeling of gullibility may want to move up your thigh. Take the inspirational story of Louis Zamperini, who competed in the 1936 Olympic games and then was taken prisoner by the Japanese in the war. At 97 he’s reached his life’s ambition of having a film made about him by Angelina Jolie. Believe in yourself enough and she will make a film about you, too.

You are now ready to go on your journey to your ultimate destiny. But before you venture forth, I leave you with this last piece of advice. The secret to untold wealth and happiness is finding enough people who believe that you have all the answers. Good luck!

Digested read, digested: Three things you probably won’t be doing in a week’s time.