Poor Bill Palmer was lonely. He said as much on a BBC Radio Solent phone-in, and the radio station came to the rescue with an invitation to come into the studio and talk to other listeners. He was a hit, and more invitations came flooding in for Bill.
It’s all very well getting this level of attention, but I would hazard a guess that what Bill really would have liked would have been to be with his wife before she got dementia, and spend time with his old friends before they died or had become too infirm to leave home. When we spend years and years with people, we change in relationship to them. We knock up against each other, and bits rub off until we become shapes that fit. This may mean we can feel comfortable without speaking, or know what our loved one means when they give us a wink. This doesn’t mean we don’t argue with our spouse or old friends, it just means we know how to do it and still remain connected. Losing such connections feels like losing a part of yourself.
Even at 95, I hope Bill does make a new friend who can become like an old friend, but I think it will be hard. The lonelier we get, the harder it can be to reach out.
Loneliness used to be associated with poor social skills or being a bit odd, which is why there is a stigma and shame attached to it. But it’s important to realise that loneliness does not happen because you’re a loser, it can affect anyone. Have you ever felt homesickness, unrequited love or humiliation in the face of being ignored? All these are forms of loneliness, as is the empty hollow ache we get when we long for understanding, acknowledgment and connection with our fellow humans.
Loneliness is a necessary feeling, just like thirst and hunger – ignore it at your peril. We feel lonely when we need to do something about it. Loneliness is a major risk factor for premature death. Humans are not isolates, we are pack animals. Dementia, high blood pressure, alcoholism and accidents are all accelerated by loneliness, and it can be a major cause of deterioration of your mental health. Loneliness isn’t just sad, it’s dangerous.
So if we know that being lonely is so bad for us, why don’t we all join evening classes and make more friends? Or work to rekindle the friendships we already have? Sadly it’s not that easy for many. Why? Because feelings of loneliness trigger a state of hypervigilance for social threat, and when we expect social threat, we can behave in ways more likely to get us rejected. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In this hypervigilant state, the individual becomes super-sensitive to possible rejection or coolness. What happens when we look closely for something? I’m afraid we usually find it.
This could be why people in isolation are increasingly inclined to scorn the idea of social interaction. Thinking we are somehow better than other people becomes an excuse to withdraw, as does thinking that other people are superior to us. Both of these reactive thought patterns lead to a spiral of withdrawal, and intensify the sense of social isolation. By then, it can feel very hard to volunteer somewhere, or join a group or a class, or to pick up the phone.
Not all of us are like Bill and can find a load of potential friends through the local radio station. So what can we do? First, recognise when you are lonely – don’t deny it, or judge yourself negatively for feeling it. Second, understand what it does to you: remember that it’s dangerous as a member of a social species to feel isolated. Third, learn to recognise that hypervigilant state so you can override it. Watch out for those feelings of superiority or inferiority which may just be excuses to cling to the distrust that loneliness can produce.
Overriding hypervigilance will mean that you can make yourself a part of something bigger, be it a book club or a religion. If taking these steps seems impossible or overwhelming, then force yourself to take them anyway. Remember loneliness is dangerous, get help with it. It’s never too late.
