My wife’s labour began in earnest one December evening in 1994, in the middle of EastEnders. Our flat was full of baby stuff we’d never used, all carefully arranged and stacked, the way you might lay out your skydiving gear on the night before a big jump. We decided to watch the rest of EastEnders before we drove to hospital. It was an outward show of calmness – who for, I don’t know – and a chance to set our old life on pause in the face of a leap into the unknown.
Twenty-one years later, we find ourselves in possession of what can only be described as a spare room. Technically, it’s still our oldest son’s bedroom, but he’s been at university for the last three years, along with most of his stuff. The room is sparse and needs painting. Half a poster hangs on one wall. It looks as if the previous tenant left in a hurry.
He’s just the first to go. The middle one is presently fielding offers from universities; the youngest is only a year behind him. Children arrive, they take over your life and then, one day, they walk off with it.
This series of photographs captures parenting at either end, including all the trappings of both states. Expectant parents pose alongside equipment they do not yet know how to operate. Some of it they will never need. Empty-nesters are caught in the blasted nests left behind by departing offspring, surrounded by the shiny detritus of adolescence. Either that, or they’re posing in a newly feathered workout room. This latter group looks, if anything, even more bewildered. Nobody really tells you about that bit.
That’s not to say there is no warning. For me, weekends are a kind of dress rehearsal for empty‑nest syndrome: the children sleep all day, and disappear in the evenings. If they didn’t steal money from my pockets, I wouldn’t know they still lived here. I am brimming with unsolicited advice, but most days there is no one to heap it on.
If you were to look at these pictures from the perspective of a parent-to-be, you’d probably dwell on the mysterious, unrecorded period in between: that fabled stretch of grinding days, sleepless nights and tearful birthday parties. It will seem both daunting and unimaginable.
Looking at it from the other end, the thing that strikes me is how short that stretch actually is. It’s meant to be your whole life, this 20-odd-year interval called parenting, but it seems, in retrospect, shockingly brief. I have no idea how big the resulting hole in my life will come to seem, but already I know it’s nothing a treadmill is going to fill.
Andrea and Colin, 11 days until her due date
Andrea: My excitement has grown over the last few months as I see how happy and impatient my husband has become. He’s been asking lots of questions and practising reading children’s books to me every night. I’m also excited for her to meet our families and friends, and to have a tiny combination of my husband and me.
Colin: The possibility that she will have health problems makes me anxious, particularly autism. From what I have seen, that can really be difficult to maintain family relationships through. Until she is born and begins life, that feels like a huge unknown into which all sorts of worst-case scenarios can seep.
Susan and Chris, empty-nesters for seven months
Susan (left): There is peace and calm in our house. There is no hip-hop playing and the TV is off unless we are actually watching it. Other blessings: no dirty socks on the furniture, no dirty pans on the stove, no strange young people going up the back stairs.
I miss the kids’ energy – they bring life and action into this old lady house. They have adventures, scrapes and a changing parade of girlfriends: some nice, some crazy. Other downers: no helpers to shovel snow, no big muscles to do the heavy lifting.
There is less turmoil and chaos. This filters down to our relationship: we get along better and have less conflict. And it’s fun to welcome them home for holidays, to know the adults they have become, and are becoming.
Kathryn and Michael, 18 days until her due date
Kathryn: We were married in March 2008 and knew we didn’t want to wait very long, both because of our ages and because we believe that openness to life is essential to living out our vocation of marriage to its fullest.
I can’t wait to discover who this little person is that we have been given charge of, and to help him discover his talents and weaknesses, his passions and his mission in life.
I worry about how my own flaws and imperfections may harm him, by teaching him bad habits or lessons about the world that are wrong.
But someone other than ourselves is about to become the centre of our world. My hope is that it will change me by helping me to become less selfish.”
Lu and Bruce, empty-nesters for two years
Bruce: I like the time for unmediated and unrushed dinners with Lu. I also like enjoying the accomplishments of our kids and seeing them grow in independence; they are all quite remarkable, in my view. And, as a bonus, my IQ doubled in their eyes once they went off to college. But now the animals all want to sleep with us.
Andrea and Brad, 16 days until her due date
Andrea: We didn’t plan this baby. I had recently returned from Iraq, and a baby was something that didn’t fit into my “adjusting to home” thoughts. But I always planned on having a family.
Brad: I’m most excited about playing and spending time with my son or daughter, and watching them grow up. Teaching them how to play ball, fish and hunt. But being in the service and having a family is tough.
Leola, empty-nester for three months
What is it about being an empty nester that I like least? Nothing.
Kathy and Lyonel, empty-nesters for 18 months
Kathy: I miss the energy and vibrancy that kids bring to a house, to a life – that “teen spirit”. I also miss the role of Mom in my job description.
Lyonel: I like the silence. Children fill up space that you don’t know exists. But I miss the daily injection of youth and life. The wonder that kids exhibit at the simplest things, the most banal of experiences. The music and chatter. I miss them awfully.
Bobby and Kevin, waiting to adopt
Bobby (left): It was part of our plan to raise a family two years after our commitment ceremony. We had to establish stability first in terms of housing and finance. I’m excited to have a big influence in shaping someone’s life at the outset. Instilling our values, or just watching them grow up in good health. But I think most prospective parents would be anxious not to make any mistakes – I dread that, if our children turn to adults and have insurmountable problems, they’ll blame us for being bad at parenting. That would break my heart.
Kevin: We have a great support system in our family and friends. We both have secure employment and can provide for children. Our flexible work schedules will allow us to focus on our child’s needs. I’m excited about helping a child grow, but I’m anxious about whether he or she will accept us as their fathers.
Kathleen and Mark, empty-nesters for one year
Kathleen: I don’t always have to wear pyjamas any more and there’s more juice in the fridge. I’m also not subject to the daily drama that sometimes upset me. But I miss her so much – sometimes I just feel empty. It’s really tough because we are the same person, pretty much. So I lost my other half.
Makesha, 13 days until her due date
My baby wasn’t planned, but I refused an abortion or adoption. I knew I was mature enough to raise a child. I’m excited about comforting her when she needs me to, or is just simply wanting my attention. The thought of putting her through school makes me anxious, making sure she is treated fairly, along with getting quality education.
Lori and Scott, five days until her due date
Lori: We had been trying for over three years and realised it is not something we could control. Now we’re having twins - I’m excited being able to raise these babies in a loving and gentle home and family. I can only imagine how it feels to bring these babies into the world and provide all aspects of care for them.
Scott: We had been married for over three years and decided it was time to start a family. Three years later, after many infertility procedures and one miscarriage, we are finally close to starting that family, with twins. Our peaceful, quiet home will soon be gone – but replaced with laughter and the sounds of happy children.
Kate and Phillip, empty-nesters for four years
Kate: My children are some of my favorite people and I miss having time to talk and share my life with them. We still have relatively frequent contact with our youngest. The older children have partners and demanding lives, and I see our relationship fading in importance.
It is interesting that I continue to fret when they are sick or face difficulties. Our mantra these days is, “They’ll figure it out”, but in reality it is hard not to want to fix things or butt in.
Phillip: I have much more time to spend with Kate and to do other things I like to do. The freedom from family responsibilities allows me to enjoy the moment. I certainly miss spending time with each of my children, but I really miss our “family unit” of five. There was something magical about our “little family” doing things together that cannot be recaptured.
• Dona Schwartz’s On The Nest is published by Kehrer Verlag.
