The latest step in the Kardashian mission to advance the human race: the introduction of the “revenge body”. This is not actual murder. Not even hiding bloodied roadkill in your once-beloved’s bed, though I would watch that. This is worse: you have to take up running or spinning or spend all your time at the gym, then get your hair done, then you have to post endless selfies showing how hot you look on Facebook, while your ex weeps as they realise their life is ruined by not having you in it any more. Well, You, but a much better You – thinner, ripped, hotter. Because those are the things that really count.

“Looking great is always the best revenge,” says Khloe Kardashian, who is hosting a new reality show where she mentors people “through their full-body make-overs”. Khloe knows all about the “revenge body”, you see – she got one after her marriage broke down. Her sister Kourtney, who also acquired her own revenge body, is said to be angry that she didn’t get to front the new series; “Kourtney felt that she should get the show because she has so much more of a reason to showcase her revenge body than Khloe did,” said that famously reliable conveyer of information, “a source”. You may wonder why one Kardashian should seek vengeance on another when they both already have impressive revenge bods, but that is beside the point.

Nobody wants to look wilfully unattractive when faced with an ex – spotting one in the John Lewis kitchen department, I once hid behind a fridge just because I happened to be wearing a brown cardigan – but the revenge body fails because it is all about them, not you. Caring so much about what your ex thinks – ensuring they see your metamorphosis and fantasising about rejecting them when they beg you to take them back – uses up your precious time and headspace, not theirs. There’s a good chance they won’t notice or care.

And even if they do, what, genuinely, does one achieve from a revenge body? You win your ex back, congratulations. You’re now with someone who so failed to appreciate your kindness and sparkling personality that they let you go, but who now wants your hot, new revenge body. Your hot, new revenge body takes on a life of its own, there for someone else’s gratification, while you have to do all the boring maintenance work. (This all depends, of course, on what you consider a “revenge body” to be; Kardashian’s view is the predictably narrow one, but my idea of a true here’s-what-you-could-have-won physique is one which has put on a few happiness pounds, the kind you lay down when you spend a large proportion of your time sharing pasta straight from the saucepan in bed when you’re not having great, new-person sex. Or, a radical thought, the body you have already, just taking you out into the world without a backwards glance.)

The kind of genuinely positive transformation that can come from a break-up almost makes me wish they would happen more often. The kind of relatively benign break-up where you know in your gut you will be fine, better even, in the long run, that is – not the kind that leaves you homeless, or below the poverty line, or having to take on sole parenting responsibilities; that kind takes more to come back from than a date with a personal trainer and some hot selfies.

But some of my most miserable and most energising times were in the aftermath of being dumped. After one man left me, I put in place steps that would get me a new job. After another man left me, I learned to drive. A break-up can shake us up, so that when we settle, things seem a little sharper and brighter, like stepping outside after a torrential rainstorm.

Perhaps your break-up has encouraged you to confront other dysfunctional relationships in your life, or to live by yourself for the first time. Perhaps it was mostly your fault and you’ve had to think about why you’ve behaved like such a dick. Perhaps you took up running, and it gives you a deep sense of contentedness and resilience. You marvel at how far and fast your strong, cherished body can take you now. Why not celebrate this revelation quietly with people who genuinely care about you? A revenge body only exists if the person for whom it was intended sees it on Instagram; without this, you’ve just got a bit fitter. Which is great, even without the revenge.