I have just found out I have herpes – my husband is still waiting for his results. One of my concerns is our sex life moving forward, and extending our family without the thought of what I may pass along.

The message “sex is dangerous” has been implanted in the minds of many of us, and the fear of herpes is just one of the reasons it may be considered valid. It is certainly true that there are risks associated with the exchange of bodily fluids, but if we allow the fear of disease, germs, intimacy, pregnancy and so on to be the over-riding feeling about sex, there is little room for allowing pleasure, or for welcoming and responding to eroticism. In fact, one can have an extraordinarily heightened sexual experience that is risk-free – without even physically touching another person. Your doctor will advise you about a protocol of protection and/or prevention of outbreaks, but do not allow yourself or your partner to imagine this is the end of pleasure, and don’t allow it to dominate your erotic connection. Rather, prioritise all the fantastically exciting things you can enjoy that do not involve penetration or friction of any kind. You will be surprised how extensive the list is – from erotic talk to fantasy role-playing. This challenge should encourage you to be extra-creative so, while bearing in mind whatever medical advice you are given, reframe it as a true opportunity.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.