Pete Evans, the Australian celebrity chef, has identified a new enemy in modern life: sunscreen. Despite overwhelming scientific advice and evidence to the contrary, the paleo evangelist and the man who brought us baby bone broth (considered by the medical establishment as unsafe for child consumption), says sunscreen is a “recipe for disaster.”

He wrote: “The silly thing is people put on normal chemical sunscreen then lay out in the sun for hours on end and think that they are safe because they have covered themselves in poisonous chemicals which is a recipe for disaster as we are witnessing these days.”

He later denied advising people against wearing sunscreen but said that it was “smart to actually question what we are rubbing on our kids’ faces and bodies?”

Western middle-class fondness for rejecting modern life and getting back to nature is, it seems, unstoppable. Most of us are now familiar with the paleo diet, #cleaneating, superfoods, farmers markets and locally sourced produce. We know backyard goat and chicken runs are soaring in popularity and vegetable patches are turning up in the most unlikely places: on balconies, sides of buildings and rooftops. Which may seem rather harmless.

Then there’s raw milk, natural methods to beat cancer and anti-vaccination campaigns, the harms of which are well documented, but that come from the same desire to “get back to nature” in what amounts to “a selective denial of modernity”, according to my colleague Jason Wilson.

It seems, in 2016, to be moving in the right direction you have to be going backwards.

It’s got me thinking: what next? If we’re to continue to take cues from our ancestors, I’ve come up with six other potential wellness trends. Live authentically! Live until you’re 37!

Home dentistry

Chemicals placed in your mouth and drugs used to knock you out while dentists remove your teeth are toxins that can lodge in your cells and tissues, sometimes for years.

Avoid these toxins with DIY Dentistry™.

Like our ancestors, we are built to withstand short bursts of pain that might occur if you remove your teeth at home. After all, early man did not have anaesthetic, or dentists.

Tried and tested methods of home dentistry include the door slam method – in which a string is tied around the tooth at one end and a door handle at another – or simply the use of pliers to extract the tooth. A friend or neighbour can assist with this procedure if the tooth is hard to reach. There may be some blood. But this procedure is 100% chemical free.

For more minor toothaches that don’t require tooth removal, chewing on cloves is a natural painkiller. Cotton wool soaked in clove oil and shoved in the back of your mouth is also effective – and this is not just a painkiller but also a home remedy to help treat premature ejaculation!

For other procedures – such as chipped teeth – use a nail file to even out your mouth. DIY filling sets are already available in some countries.

And why not reconsider your use of toothpaste. Toothpaste is a relatively modern invention from Big Pharma. Twigs or a lump of coal, rubbed on teeth, is a healthy, toxin-free alternative.

Barefoot commuting, or Urban Re-Wilding

Our ancestors kept fit and healthy by walking for days to hunt and gather berries. If they wore FitBits back then, they would have covered around 60,000 steps a day. People get fat and sick because they no longer walk the same distances as primitive man.

Barefoot commuting mimics the experience of our ancestors by ditching the train, bus, tram, ferry and car to set off (in the dark if need be) to traverse your way across the city to your modern hunting ground – the workplace.

Think of it as Urban Re-Wilding, walking across your city without shoes to reach a place of safety and shelter.

Feel the hard and uneven gravel of the shoulder of unpaved road, the thrum and vibration of the highway, the harsh underfoot detritus of the city street. Your feet will harden and create a natural “shoe” or tough bit of skin that won’t feel the gravel or the glass.

You may have to get up at 3am to do the four-hour walk from your home to your office but you will connect with yourself and the environment in a way that echoes the experience of primitive man.

Campfire story-telling meetings

Have you noticed that in your average workplace meeting people sit around a conference room looking bored or anxious, not really connecting with what’s being said? Tribes traditionally gathered around a fire and in the warm glow they told stories, shared experiences and passed on valuable cultural knowledge.

A workplace campfire can bring back that ancient spirit of communion, community, connection and belonging. Find a space in your office that can accommodate a fire pit, disable smoke alarms and send your colleagues out to gather wood. Light, stoke and feed it as you sit in circular formation around the flame. Your monthly meeting about workplace performance issues and the budget overspend will feel like a special, timeless moment, particularly if the meeting is conducted in verse, song or dance.

Laundry by rocks

Not only is doing your laundry on rocks more energy efficient, you’re also giving your upper body, especially your abs and biceps, a really great workout.

Take your dirty clothes and a bar of soap to your nearest river or beach, find stones that are a mixture of sharp and jagged and round and smooth, then dip your dirty clothes in water, rub the soap over your clothes, dip in water again then beat your clothes against the rocks vigorously until the slapping motion has taken the dirt out. Then dip again in the water to remove soap. A wooden board can also be incorporated into this technique. In addition to cleaning your clothes, it’s also a handy way to act out any agitation or anger you may be feeling. Ancient women loved doing the laundry this way, as it was a good way of expelling negative emotions.

Do six reps each side with each piece of clothing then lay the clothes on the rocks to dry. You’ll find your clothes will smell of the ocean and your jeans will be authentically distressed.

Getting wasted, Bacchanalian style

There’s nothing wrong with getting wasted, as long as you don’t put toxic chemicals in your body which then get trapped in your cells and lead to inflammation. Do as ancient man did when he wanted to get happy – and go out into your nearest jungle or forest and look for hallucinogenic mushrooms or make your own organic wine from handpicked berries. Remember to eat anything up to 15 minutes after you have picked it or killed it – after that it is dead food, and you don’t want that in your body (#cleaneating).

When you are out of it in the forest, we recommend you get in touch with your inner beast like our ancestors did in Rome 200BC. Their forest parties put our modern-day celebrations to shame. According to an overview of ancient Bacchanalias, “new celebrations and initiations featured wine-fuelled violence and violent sexual promiscuity, in which the screams of the abused were drowned out by the din of drums and cymbals. Those who resisted or betrayed the cult were disposed of”.

Mum n’ Dad Tinder, aka arranged marriage

There was no divorce in ancient times so they must have been doing something right. Speak to your parents and ask them to find someone in the village to be your spouse. Yes, your parents may be 70 and not live in a village – but for a millennium parents have acted as “Tinder”, selecting appropriate partners for their offspring. They will find the right mate for you. If in doubt, marry your cousin.

Brigid Delaney is writing a book on the wellness industry