Emma Cook 

Divorce: ‘No one tells you about the dent on your wedding finger that doesn’t go’

Sara Davison is a divorce coach – she’s been through it herself and now helps others to come to terms with the loss of a long-term relationship.
  
  

Sara Davison …
Sara Davison … ‘You can’t control the other person. You have to find a way to let go of their hold over you.’ Photograph: Linda Nylind/The Guardian

Sara Davison loved her husband. They had been married for three years, shared a life in Ascot, built a business together and started a family. Then one morning, in the time it takes to open and shut a drawer, or maybe slam it depending on what you find, everything changed. “I opened it for the second time and there it was,” recalls Davison in her book, Uncoupling – How to Survive and Thrive After Separation and Divorce. “The contact lens box was sitting there, staring out at me. I didn’t wear lenses and neither did my husband. I didn’t know anyone who did. When I opened it up there was a large false eyelash sitting there winking up at me.”

A lifecoach, she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. “It made no sense. I’m going insane,” she thought. Rather than scream and make a fuss, she simply closed the drawer and left it undisturbed. She carried on for a while and did what so many of her female clients are prone to do. Blame themselves. “I assumed it was my fault. I spent a lot of time trying to be ‘better’. I was a terrible cook and I got someone to come over and teach me. I got a trainer and started working out. I really tried.”

The deal breaker for Davison came a few months later, less dramatic but somehow more devastating and conclusive. “One day I looked at him and that connection in his eyes had gone. I’ll never forget that. You just see that it isn’t returned and that’s it. I never got that back. In my head it changed everything.”

After three years of marriage, they divorced and that could have been the end of the story. But for Davison, 42, it was the start of something bigger.

When she discovered how little practical help was available for the emotional fallout during a divorce, she saw a gap in the market. “I thought, how do I get help on how to cope with being on my own at weekends, for the heartbreak and betrayal?”

She tried psychotherapy but with her background Davison preferred a more proactive approach. “I process stuff by getting a plan together.”

So she began to create her own strategies based on coaching and tested out different techniques to help make the experience of “uncoupling” easier. Now she’s a successful divorce coach, counselling clients through every aspect of the divorce process from building self-esteem to navigating the school gates.

Uncoupling, explains Davison, is simply the end of any relationship and comes in many forms, from the aspirational “conscious uncoupling” of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin to the grim reality of what Davison calls “aggressive severing”. Davison admits she was on the latter end of the spectrum when she and her husband separated six years ago, but they are on good terms now.

It was a long process, but tiny shifts in behaviour, she found, were the most helpful way forward. “I had to stay in the marital home when my partner moved out but I found it difficult – something big was missing. I decided to rearrange the furniture and move everything round. I created a sanctuary for myself, taking my control back.”

She shows me a sparkling band on one impeccably manicured finger. “It’s my freedom ring,” she says, taking it off to show me. “I went and got something that meant something nice. No one tells you about the dent on your wedding finger that doesn’t go. It was a constant reminder so my freedom ring represented all the exciting things that may happen in the future. It’s doing things that make an instant difference.”

Davison’s conversation, and her book too, is peppered with the self-improvement soundbites loved by life coaches – “Take control and move forward”, “One step at a time”, “How to let go of the past”. Yet there is wisdom in the sound, practical advice that she offers and you can see why, overwhelmed by the emotional fallout of divorce proceedings, a weekly checklist you can accomplish might feel more reassuring than painful naval gazing. “At the end of each session, I do an action plan of what we’re going to do next. One guy was really shut down after his divorce and I said you need to do something that will really wake you up. I asked him to go trampolining and really fling himself around. It made such a difference. I always give them a list to tick things off so they can think, ‘Yes, I’ve found a financial adviser. I’ve booked in with a bike club. OK, I can see there’s a life. I’m still hurting but I’m forcing myself to do something that will tip the scales.’”

However, even she admits that some aspects of divorce can’t be glossed over with a trip to a trampoline park. Along with splitting the finances, battle lines are most likely to be drawn around co-parenting. “It was the hardest point for me because I never signed up not to be with my son … I thought my husband was having an affair and he was very soon in another relationship, and that’s difficult to cope with when you hand your baby over.”

Nevertheless, Davison devised a strategy. “If your children aren’t with you for the weekend rather than think, as I did, ‘I don’t want to lie on the sofa and watch movies, I want to be with my son’, re-focus your thoughts. Don’t dwell on what will make you miss them more. Do something that will make you proud, achieve something. Go out with girlfriends, go on a date, something that helps you to see that there is life after divorce.”

The crux of uncoupling successfully, says Davison, is realising that your happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else. “You can’t control the other person. You have to find a way to let go of their hold over you.”

If anything, divorce can be a catalyst for change, she says, rather than a negative experience that defines you. “Divorce has a very bad name and I want to revolutionise what it can mean,” she says. “It can bring you the opportunity to redesign your life as you really want it.” Not that she positively encourages it – in her book she outlines her “no regrets” exercise, committing to three months of “trying everything you can to save your relationship”. The decision to divorce shouldn’t, she says, be taken lightly, which is why she’s so full of admiration for those who do. “It takes a very strong person to leave. People should be given a medal, not seen as a failure.”

Davison didn’t get a medal so she rewarded herself, throwing a divorce party to coincide with her 40th birthday. “It was a public sharing of where I was going and thanking everyone for standing by me – family, friends – and giving them recognition.”

Although she witnesses the breakdown of so many relationships and the misery that entails, she still believes in marriage. “I’d marry again. I do believe it can work. My parents just celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary. They’re still very much in love, so it’s definitely possible.” She maintains that the happiest time of her life, along with the birth of her son, was her wedding day, despite the sense of betrayal that followed. “You can’t rewind time and say, ‘That was an awful day because of what happened afterwards.’ I’ve got lots of good memories. OK, it didn’t have the ending I dreamed of but the ending I’ve got now is something really exciting.”

• Uncoupling: How to Survive and Thrive after Breakup & Divorce by Sara Davison is published on 1 September by Piatkus, £14.99. To order a copy for £12.29, go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846.

The top five signs that say you are heading for divorce

1 If you feel resentment towards your partner and are not willing to resolve it.

2 If you start to have feelings for someone else other than your partner.

3 If you prefer it when your partner is out for the evening.

4 If you no longer want to have sex with your partner.

5 If you have no trust in your relationship.

How to tell your children you are breaking up

Agree on what you will say. Ensure that you are both giving the same message and you can deliver it together. Do not contradict each other or argue while you are telling your children.

Tell them as a couple. Do this so they can see that even though the marriage is over and you won’t be living together any more, you will both still be there for them, just as before. If they see you like that, they will believe it.

Be honest and real. Don’t make promises you cannot keep just to lessen the impact (no rash promises of holidays or ponies, for example). Stick to the facts, and don’t try to gloss over the reality that there will be changes coming and the children may take a while to adjust.

How to navigate the school gates

Make an effort to get involved in the school and with other parents. If you can create a good circle of friends, it will make life a lot easier for you and your kids.

Talk to your child’s teachers. If they understand your situation at home, they will be able to do the right thing for your child at home. You don’t have to go into too much detail, but enough so teaching staff can appreciate and offer support for any emotions your child may be experiencing.

Don’t be afraid to be different and the only divorced person at the school gates. As your children progress through the years, divorce will become more common and you won’t feel so isolated.

Throw a divorce and breakup party

Celebrate. Have a party to acknowledge how far you have come. It sounds like a strange thing to do, but for me it was the perfect way to celebrate the fact that I was moving forward with my life.

Toast yourself. It shouldn’t be a “I hate my ex” party but a way to publicly recognise and toast the new you. It’s also a chance to thank all those people who have supported you.

Get your supporters together. Take the opportunity to talk about what you have committed to doing, what steps you have put in place and how your future looks. Take the time to tell each person what you couldn’t have done without them.

Extracted from Uncoupling: How to Survive and Thrive After Breakup & Divorce.

 

Leave a Comment

Required fields are marked *

*

*