The information we’re given about nutrition – about what’s behind frightening illnesses like heart disease, Alzheimer’s and cancer – is inside a box. I want to take you outside a box. Into a garden where there are fruits and vegetables. Fruits and vegetables are way more clever than scientists think and I am here to help you unleash their power. For instance, did you know that eating figs in multiples of nine is guaranteed to prevent cancer? Or that wild blueberries, which literally almost die each winter, are the resurrection food and can literally bring dead people back to life. How do I know this? Because I get my information from the Spirit, which first came to me when I was four years old and was able to diagnosed my grandmother with lung cancer. “Eat an apple,” I told her as she died. By the way, you won’t find any scientific citations in these pages, as science has yet to catch up with the Spirit. But you will find an endorsement from Gwyneth Paltrow.

How did we get to this point in our history where literally 80% of Americans are in danger of dropping down dead at any time from mystery illnesses like cancer? Let me be clear here, what I am talking about is nothing short of the greatest threat to western civilisation. The Spirit calls these dangers the Unforgiving Four of radiation, toxic heavy metals, the virus explosion and DDT.

Though doctors cannot yet tell you how to cure yourself, I now can. The answer lies in the Holy Four. We are living in a time of Quickening, and we need to surround ourselves with light. Fruits and vegetables have spent their life absorbing the sun’s rays, which are released back into us as natural light along with a special kind of water, known as co-factor water, which has yet to be discovered by anyone but me. So what are the Holy Four? They are fruits, vegetables, herbs and wild foods. Eat them regularly and I can guarantee you will never die.

Now that I have explained the theory, let’s get down to the practicalities and see what spiritual lesson we can learn from the foods.

Apple Many people underestimate an apple, but it is ideal for cleansing your colon and curing you of hepatitis, renal failure and, of course, lung cancer. What the apple teaches us is not to get burned by the frost of insensitivity from others. That’s why apples don’t all die in autumn. Or so the Spirit says. Here’s a recipe for apple and caramel dip: take five apples and dip in caramel.

Cherry Guaranteed to put a smile on the face of anyone with leukaemia. Cherries teach us patience, because if we eat them too quickly we swallow the stone and then a cherry tree grows inside us. Here’s a recipe for a cherry smoothie: put some cherries in a blender.

Potato They often get a bad rep from nutritionists, but they can be your best friend if you are suffering from emphysema or have had a stroke. At times of crisis, potatoes can restore your self-esteem because they have the necessary counselling skills, having known what it is to be ignored or taken for granted. Here’s a recipe for a potato: take one potato and eat it.

Radish Truly a miracle food, it can cure absolutely anything. It’s just a matter of getting your timing right. If you die, you got the timing wrong. Tough. Here’s a recipe for a radish: eat a radish.

Cilantro The antidote to heavy-metal poisoning and Aids, due to its unique ability to inject living cofactor water straight to the pancreas. What cilantro teaches is the circle of life. I can’t be bothered to give you a recipe for cilantro.

Garlic Will keep all vampires and snake-oil salesmen, with the exception of me, at bay. Garlic teaches that it’s OK to compartmentalise our feelings sometimes. Here’s a recipe for garlic: add garlic to mayo and eat with triple-cooked fries.

Coconut Cures Ebola fever inside 20 minutes. The coconut teaches us it’s best not to sit under a coconut tree if you don’t want to get hit on the head by a coconut. Here’s a coconut recipe: crack open a coconut.

Wild blueberries The food of the resurrection. Jesus was known to have eaten some at the Last Supper. What they teach us is that some people will believe anything.

And there we have it. I know some of you will find this journey difficult, but take comfort that the Angel of Abundance and the Angel of Harmony are watching over you. With their help, you can move from Quickening to Rebirth.

Digested read, digested: Eat, pray, live forever.