Name: The bikini wax.

Age: Almost as old as the bikini, invented 70 years ago.

Appearance: Smooth and clean, all the better to see your diseases with.

That came out of nowhere. Sorry, but it’s true. If you shave or wax your pubic hair, you increase your risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease by 400%.

Nonsense. It was published in a respected medical journal. Are you telling me you don’t have a subscription to Sexually Transmitted Infections?

Um, no. Well, if you did, you’d know about the study undertaken by researchers at San Francisco general hospital. They looked at 7,500 people and found that “extreme groomers” – those who completely waved or shaved their pubic area once a month – were four times more likely than others to become infected.

Why? There are three main theories. The first is that constant waxing might cause minuscule tears in the skin, which could increase your chance of catching disease.

OK. The second is that grooming equipment might be shared between a number of people, which obviously carries a greater risk of infection.

And the third? The third is that people with nice-looking pubic areas get more sex.

Are you picking on promiscuous women? No, no, the study was carried out across all genders. If you’re man, you’re also much less likely to catch an STD if your genitals look like a Cadbury’s Mini Egg hiding in a hedgerow.

Really? That’s how you avoid sexually transmitted diseases? Make sure your groin looks like you rubbed it with a Pritt Stick and then rolled it around on a hairdresser’s floor? Well, no, obviously. The best way to avoid STDs is to use a condom and get tested regularly.

But hairiness is still the way to go? It depends. Do you enjoy looking as if you haven’t hit puberty?

Yuck, no! Then don’t wax. But be warned: not waxing carries its own risks.

It does? If you have pubic hair, you’re more likely to get pubic lice and all the itching and bleeding that can cause.

So my choices are limited to sexually transmitted disease or lice? Yep. Welcome to 2016.

Do say: “Really, everyone is at risk unless they take proper precautions.”

Don’t say: “Speak for yourselves, I’m physically repellent.”

• This article was amended on 9 December 2016. An earlier version referred to “public lice” where “pubic lice” was meant.