HerrrraaarCHAH! No, thanks, I should have a tissue somewhere, maybe not. Actually, I’m trying not to blow too much, my nose is so sore. No, honestly, I’ve been in with worse ones, I’m fine. Well, you know, soldiering on, you’ve got to come in, haven’t you, and I’m way better than I was last night – that thing when you’re breathing through your mouth: my nose was literally streaming, herrrrarrrCHAH! No worries, I’ll get some tissue from the loo in a sec. At least the sore throat’s finally going, mind – it was on fire two days back, I’m usually fine with colds, but this one’s a complete stinker, almost fluey, my wife says, we’ve all had it now, ruined everybody’s Christmas, my mother-in-law ended up in casualty with respiratory failure.

I blame the kids, but God knows where they got it, my wife’s been off for three weeks, can you believe, it turned to sinusitis and bronchitis. I thought I’d be lucky then, wham, I can’t stop sneezing, no, wait, this one starts with aching limbs and a blinding headache – I wouldn’t bother with that vitamin C, waste of time – then I got this raging temperature, tonsils doubled in size, I knew any minute my ears would start throbbing, colds always go to my ears, so I went to the doctor, can you believe she asked me to leave? No antibiotics, nothing, I thought, well, if this is just a paracetamol job, I may as well go in as sit around at home drinking tea.

Sorry, was that your mug? No worries, I only took a couple of sips anyway, you don’t get it from saliva, do you, it’s the flying droplets, and I can’t still be contagious, though the way I see it, if you’re going to get a cold, you’ll get it, if it’s not the office, it’ll be on the bus, and what if everyone with a cold went off sick, well, we’d all love to, right, but the economy would grind to a halt. Now that mask you’re wearing, I heard they don’t really make much difference? The small particles can still get in from around the sides. But go ahead, I’d hate for you to catch this one.