Walking – sorry, taking the 10,000 steps a day required to keep you from having a heart attack/getting cancer/becoming crippled by anxiety caused by failing to walk 10,000 steps a day – is supposed to be an innocent activity. It’s free, good for you, and you get to avoid following the latest election/Brexit horrors and watch some blossom drifting down a drain instead. Unfortunately, walking can be as fraught with disillusionment as scrolling through your Twitter feed. New rules imposed in Hampshire, which could be rolled out to other councils, stipulate that dog owners who walk more than four animals at a time could face a fine of up to £100. And there are plenty more metaphorical (and actual) poops to avoid on your daily perilous stroll. Here’s how to go for a walk and not get arrested.

Don’t feed seagulls

It may seem like a reasonable way to rid yourself of a disappointing chip, but feeding seagulls on east Devon’s beaches is now a criminal offence, punishable with an £80 fine. Consider it another unfathomable change to blame on David Cameron, who called for a “big conversation” about seagulls in 2015 after one nicked the ham from his sandwich.

Don’t feed ducks or geese

If you’re outside a designated feeding area in Cambridgeshire, you could be fined up to £2,500 under section 87 of the Environmental Protection Act 1990 for unauthorised feeding of waterfowl. Apparently it tempts the birds from the water, encouraging them to foul pavements and churn up grass areas. Do you really want a marauding mallard on your conscience?

Basically, don’t feed anything

Except pigeons, who no one (except my dad, who is known locally as the Birdman of Mortlake) cares about anyway. Unless you’re in Trafalgar Square, where it has been illegal since 2003 and could bring you a £50 fine.

Don’t pick blackberries

Bristol city council has proposed a bylaw banning people from blackberry picking, which could also extend to apples, mushrooms or making daisy chains. Is it only a matter of time before cloud-watching is a punishable offence?

Don’t handle suspicious salmon

In the words of the Salmon Act 1986, it is illegal to handle salmon “in suspicious circumstances” in England and Wales. Seeing as it’s virtually impossible to tell a suspicious salmon from a law-abiding one, it’s best to keep your hands off the oily fish.

Don’t sing

According to the Metropolitan Police Act 1839, it is illegal to “sing any profane, indecent, or obscene song or ballad” in the street.

Don’t carry a plank

If you’re in the Metropolitan police district, it’s illegal to carry a plank, ladder, wheel, pole, cask, placard, snowboard or hoop along a pavement. You would be better off feeding a pigeon. Unless you’re in Trafalgar Square.

Don’t walk your dog

Since the introduction of PSPOs (Public Space Protection Orders) in 2013, giving local authorities the right to outlaw specified activities in designated areas, dog walking has been banned or severely restricted in more than 3,300 parks.

Don’t shake your doormat

In the Metropolitan Police District, it is illegal to beat or shake any carpet, rug, or mat in the street, although you can shake a doormat before 8am. Indulging in a spot of beating could cost you up to £1,000.