Are you a quiz taker? Do you yearn to “build a boyfriend” in order to discover your favourite Starbucks drink? Because presumably you have no idea what that might be. Or perhaps you want something more sophisticated, such as Buzzfeed’s incisive “Which ousted Arab Spring ruler are you?” (really).
Know thyself, they say. And so personality quizzes appeal to even the most cynical of us. Because, let’s face it, we’re narcissists. We love hearing more about the most fascinating, yet strangely unknowable, person we will ever meet: ourselves. Why do we do the things we do? Why, for example, did I go all the way to the British Library yesterday, and then, surrounded by 150m or so literary splendours, spend two hours perusing the Daily Mail’s sidebar of shame? Truly, ’tis a mystery.
But science is here to help, and psychologists have over the years come up with some well-known ways to get to know the real you – the Myers-Briggs personality test for example, ever-popular in workplace assessments; and the big five personality scale which breaks personalities down into five factors: extraversion, conscientiousness, neuroticism, openness to experience – which equates to intellect, and agreeableness.
The latter scale, while easily understandable, is perhaps just a bit vague. Sure, you’re conscientious – but how exactly do you demonstrate that? Wonder no more. Now researchers have come up with a list of everyday behaviours which fit with the big five characteristics. And they are excellent. Intellectuals, for example, are more likely to lounge around the house without any clothes on, eat spicy food for breakfast, and swear. Presumably all at the same time. And yes, that’s right, you’re an intellectual. Congratulations.
Then there’s extroverts, who are more likely to drink hard liquor, talk on the phone while driving, and use saunas and hot tubs. Agreeable people sing in the shower, play with children and iron clothes. And so on. You can view the full table here – have fun.
The original data the paper is based on is from the 90s, and some of the behaviours seem dated – flew on an aeroplane, for example, is listed under extraversion, but really, isn’t travel often a necessity? Surely there are more ways to know oneself in this day and age – and, lo and behold – researchers from IBM have come up with a way to predict big five personality traits using tweets. Accuracy was attained using a sample of just 25 tweets. Sadly, we don’t have any examples of the specific tweets they analysed – although the popular theory that Donald Trump’s tweets show he has narcissistic personality disorder has most lately been championed by horror writer Stephen King.
Of course, there can be no end of suggestions as to what behaviours mean, personality-wise. If you leave teabags in the sink, for example, you are clearly a monster. Cut and paste meaningless statements about charities to your Facebook status? See above. Give cats nicknames? You’re plainly agreeable. Know all the lyrics to Beyonce’s 7/11? You are a true intellectual. Bonus points for attempting the dance.
But ultimately, do we really need number crunchers to tell us what we already know? People who chew pencils or play golf are the worst. If you do all your work before it’s due, never have library fines, and get up early you’re incredibly dull, but yes, conscientious.
And perhaps more to the point, can’t we surprise ourselves? Sometimes we like to buy books, go to art exhibitions and drown our eggs in hot sauce, and other days, well, maybe not. Other days we sleep late, sing in the shower and drink too much. Our behaviours change over time, and due to circumstance. After all, isn’t being predictable the very worst personality trait of them all?
