You know what never gets old? Nothing. We are all slowly decaying and eventually we will all die. With any luck, this reminder of your mortality has prompted you to anxiously down an espresso and triple-check how many steps you took today. You see, according to a recent study, which analysed data from more than 500,000 people in the UK, neurotic tendencies can help you live longer. This news comes shortly after another study found regularly drinking coffee might add years to your life.
If you’re not lucky enough to have been born a neurotic caffeine-addict, don’t worry, there’s still hope. I’ve put together a brief guide that outlines some quick and easy ways to extend your life, should that be something you wish to do, given the imminent possibility of nuclear war and the present popularity of male rompers.
Get a transfusion of teenage blood
Nobody is entirely sure what goes on in the minds of teenagers but, apparently, the elixir of youth is swirling around in their blood. Studies have found that injecting elderly mice with plasma (the liquid part of blood) from 18-year-old humans is ridiculously rejuvenating: the mice suddenly have more of a spring in their step and increased cognitive abilities. Scientists and speculators have now moved from mice to men, and are injecting young blood into old people to see if it can help reverse Alzheimer’s or other serious medical conditions, such as wrinkles. Last year, a California startup called Ambrosia launched a dubious private clinical trial to inject blood from 16 to 25-year-olds into any over-35s who wanted to shell out $8,000 (£6,120) for the privilege. According to Jesse Karmazin, the founder of Ambrosia, the trial worked wonders. “Whatever is in young blood is causing changes that appear to make the ageing process reverse,” Karmazin told New Scientist. “I don’t want to say the word ‘panacea’, but there’s something about teenagers.” Honestly, I don’t want to say the word “creepy”, but there’s something about Karmazin.
Evade death by avoiding taxes
It’s a truth universally repeated that nothing is certain in life except for death and taxes. However, it turns out avoiding your taxes might help you dodge death a little longer. According to the CIA World Factbook, Monaco has the highest life expectancy in the world at 89.5 years. This might be down to the temperate climate or it might be due to the fact that Monaco is almost exclusively populated by the mega-wealthy because it is a notorious tax haven. Funnily enough, tax havens appear to have some of the highest life expectancies in the world. Residents of Macau can expect to live to 84.5; in Andorra the average is 82.8; in Guernsey it’s 82.5. Avoiding taxes may well be the financial equivalent of teenage blood transfusions: an elderly elite greedily sucking sustenance from the young.
Ask your doctor to prescribe a puppy
Numerous studies have linked pet ownership to better physical and mental health. But not all pets are created equal and, as any right-thinking person knows, the best sort of pet to get if you’re looking for a longer, happier life is a dog. Dogs need to be walked and walking is good for you; dog-ownership has been associated with a reduced risk of heart disease. Cats, on the other hand, have an innate evil that has never been domesticated out of them. If they get a chance, they’ll kill you, and then they’ll eat you. Granted, I don’t have an actual scientific study to back that up, but I’m fairly certain it’s true.
Avoid the US unless you’re rich
At 78.8, US life expectancy is among the lowest in the wealthy world. This is largely thanks to its abysmal healthcare system, which, if Donald Trump and the GOP were to get their way, could soon become even more abysmal. And if you’re poor in the US, you can’t expect very much at all: the “life-expectancy gap” between America’s rich and poor is more than 20 years. A study published last month by the University of Washington found residents of affluent areas of central Colorado have the highest life expectancy, at 87 years, while people in poorer regions – particularly Native American reservations in North and South Dakota – have a life expectancy of just 66. That’s on a par with Yemen. But, hey, let’s remember that dying early from inadequate health care is a small price to pay for the benefits afforded by the free market.
Work yourself to a later grave
According to a recent study from Oregon State University, you’re likely to live longer if you retire after 65. The researchers found that when people retired at 66 instead of 65, their mortality rates dropped by 11%. So the fact the Tories are now planning to raise the state pension age doesn’t mean the government doesn’t care about young people. On the contrary: they are benevolently looking out for everyone’s best interests!
Approach advice from centenarians with caution
When you turn 100, you get a message from the Queen and a licence to mercilessly troll the media. Whenever super-old people are interviewed by the press they always seem to say the secret to their long life is something extremely dubious. For example, according to 110-year-old Grace Jones, the key to a long life is drinking whisky. A 107-year-old Spanish man who died last year credited his advanced age to drinking four bottles of wine a day and never drinking water. And before she died at age 109, Scotland’s oldest woman, Jessie Gallan, said her secret to a long life was eating porridge and “staying away from men”. Actually, you know what, she might have a point.
