Regrets: we’ve all had a few. When Guardian columnist Emma Freud explored themes of regret spoken about on social media – with “devastating honesty” – we received thousands of responses in the comments.
There were thoughtful posts about some of our readers’ own regrets in life, but also support and advice for others. There was humour to be found in your honesty, but also much sadness. In many of your regrets, you were utterly blameless.
Below are some of the responses that resonated most with others.
On love and relationships
Hurting my wife when I had a stupid affair with a girl way younger than me.I was completely thick and thought what I had was not enough,I very nearly lost everything.Its taken me 10 years to regain my wifes trust and for her to not want to kill me for the hurt I caused her.
i have 2 children who are now adults I would never have that bond or love that I have now if I"d left.I've ended up with a loving family which I had along.1 friend pointed me in the right direction.
The night I screamed "You're a piece of shit" to the only man I ever loved, and probably the only one who ever loved me. I was just drowning in personal problems with an emotionally violent ex, didn't want him to be involved...he had his issues as well. We could have had a way back, but then all the most absurd things happened. It's 4 years, I still miss him a lot, and I'm still alone for when you feel love...what else...?
Much advice similar to this followed:
Call him. Do it now. All you have to lose is future regrets and maybe a bit of pride.
Family
Not saying to my first husband to keep out of my life when he left me temporarily when my daughters were tiny. Not shrugging when one of my daughters told me I was arrogant (I blew up) Not realising there is no such thing as perfect mothering. Not realising that my mum did her best and that my father gaslighted her and I believed him. That'll do for now!
I think missing significant occasions through complacency or misguided priorities is a shame, but bearing grudges against loved-ones is almost always seriously regrettable in the long-run. The amount of people I know who took sides when their parents' split up or fell out with family over inheritance is very sad. I'm not saying that these wounds are easily healed. On occasion though, these people have forgotten what it was that really upset them, or are clinging on to the reasons they had when they were far younger, without ever reconsidering whether they were right or not in the first place, or were mature enough to let their decisions dictate that relationship for the rest of their life.
I regret still not knowing how to tell my 80-year old Dad how much I love and respect him. We have one of those 'don't be daft' kind of father-son relationships and we'd both feel awkward if either of us veered into that territory. One day it will be too late, but I don't know how to do it.
More good advice followed:
Addiction and illness
Not giving up alcohol sooner. It's completely unnecessary.
Contradictory regret is not being born 1100 years earlier. I'd have been a brilliant Viking.
But now making the most of every day:
This is such a great article. Thank you. So many moving and thought-provoking comments as well.
I’m sharing my greatest regret because it may help someone else.
In the 1970’s, as a shy and timid young woman, I allowed myself to be persuaded to try injecting ‘speed’ intravenously. This only happened three times before I summoned the courage to refuse. However, forty years later, I was diagnosed with chronic hepatitis C. Although I have been lucky enough to have the new treatment which has cleared the virus, I now have inoperable liver cancer and my time is limited. I make the most of every single day but I feel sad to be leaving my family at the age of 63. I also deeply regret that I will die because of an act of stupidity on my part.
I would urge anyone of my age, who has ever experimented with drugs, or had a dodgy tattoo, or had medical treatment abroad, to ask their GP to arrange a test. Hepatitis C is a silent killer but the new treatments are very, very effective. Don’t let the stigma associated with the disease prevent you from seeking help.
Bullying
Bullying somebody weaker than me.
It only happened once, wasn't physical, but I look back at that event with utter shame, I was younger and unfortunately knew no better (although that isn't an excuse).
I now make a point of sticking up for anybody I see bullied, if I didn't I'd feel like absolute hell.
As well as the bullies, we heard from the bullied:
Letting bullies destroy my life.
If any child is being bullied at school and cannot get anyone to help them, I would say to them - be very very selfish. Think only about your own future. Think that in just a few short years, you will never have to see these people again. Think, when these people see you in the street in ten years, they won't even remember you, so why attach so much importance to them? Think, when you die, the only people who will be at your graveside are your family and closest friends, so why should these bullies matter to you?
Do not let them put you off your studies.
Do not let them force you out of school.
They are nothing to you. There is no explanation for their behvarious, so don't look for one and don't blame yourself.
Think only of yourself - like a rollercoaster ride which *will* come to an end if you can only hang on in there.
Be brave and imagine where you will be in ten years, not how awful you feel right now.
And if it's internet bullying, don't be sad, be happy - for the internet has an off switch.
Death
Lots seem to regret not being with a loved one, when they passed.I sat for two solid days, with my dying father, only to be told by care home staff to go home and come back in the morning....I awoke at 6.30am and knew he had gone..I got THE call a few minutes later. He had slipped away in his sleep....I hold onto the fact he was aware I was there, when it mattered, as when I did go home he was fast asleep...
Four years later we had just landed from the US and my mother, who was in the very same home, was reported as not feeling too good but they would ring us if anything....Jet lagged, a few hours later, got a call to come asap as she was dying. Jumped in the car and had missed her by minutes. I could see this from the expression, on the nurse's face, as I arrived....Mum had dementia and did not know who I was, so I just clung on to the times I remember she did know me......So I regret not being with them and am always a little ashamed to admit I was not, whenever asked.....
Again, there was lots of thoughtful advice throughout the conversation:
To anyone who worries about not being there when a loved one passes over: people who are at the end of life will often "hang on" when their loved ones are in the room with them. They don't want to pass when people who love them are near. So often it is in the moments when you "just pop out to get a coffee" or "pop home to change clothes" that your loved one will let go and pass. Do not be sorry that you were not there. They know you cared for them, they know you were there. Hope this helps.
Using your talents
I regret all the time not really having a go at writing. I keep putting it off. Fencing around the edges with every excuse. Ultimately it's probably just a fear of failure - which is really lame. I keep telling myself I just change but it doesn't happen.
I regret not trying at school, leaving with no qualifications.
After 5-6 years of menial jobs and exploring what I wanted to do (painting & decorating, construction, chef, picture framer,insurance clerk, accounts clerk, factory work, retail work and periods of unemployment), I had enough and decided to give education another go.
At the age of 21, I did my GCSE's part-time whilst working, then went on to A levels also part-time, then on to Uni and finished at grand age of 28.
A word to all you kids out there, do your best you possibly can at school. To quote gladiator it 'echoes in eternity'.
And to those, who have a dream, just go for it.
Health
Mental health is tough enough to handle without adding self-blame – but anxiety and self-reproach seem to be a “buy one, get one free” package. Depression’s most successful con trick is to convince its victims that it’s their own fault.
I found this genuinely profound and it will help me understand the people close to me dealing with anxiety and depression. Thank you!
And related work-life balance
Ever prioritizing the health of any company I ever worked for over my own.
Feeling that life was more about work than playing.
It was really about not being able to shut the front door and goof of with family and friends if all the clothes were not washed and ironed or the vacumning done and beds made and all of the 10 thousand other things that "should" be done. You know, grass cut, cars washed, there is a never ending list. Fortunately my children didn't learn that. They don't mind letting the clothes stay in the hamper until they get back from sailing or camping. They are better off for it. They experience and enjoy living much more than I allowed myself to. The clothes will get washed at some point.
Misplaced blame
Spending 40 years being convinced that it was my fault for being sexually assaulted and feeling ashamed.
I regret years of constantly being on my guard so that people would not suspect that I was gay. I regret my miserable teenage years with no friends, no hopes and a crushing lack of confidence and feeling that I was not acceptable. I regret never going out. I remember being forced to go to school discos and outings but actually just walking the streets and returning home after pretending to have gone to them. I remember constantly policing my actions, how I spoke, what I said, what i did, who I looked at and how. I regret not coming out as gay to a few people until i was around 25. I regret then moving to London with an unsuitable partner and still not coming out immediately until i realised that being in London my new work colleagues were far more accepting and many couldn't care less. I had made out my then boyfriend was a girlfriend that no one ever met.I was then embarrassed and humiliated when I told close colleagues the truth. I regret being a coward, I regret wasting my life until i was in my early 30s. I regret that i cannot get those years back. I regret years of self pity. I regret being born in 1959. I'm ok now but regret.....
Perhaps inevitably, politics
My biggest regret is not going into politics so I could now be PM and tell the country that in the National Interest I am cancelling Brexit.
Introspection
Regrets: a few, probably not as many as I should have. I've made some dubious decisions, generally around relationships.
However.
I counter that with the knowledge that however bad my life has turned out, by a sheer accident of birth I'm here, now, never having experienced war, life-altering disease, starvation and I've had a roof over my head, clean water, and a bed to sleep in, which makes me statistically incredibly incredibly lucky.
Looking back with regret achieves the square root of fuck all, save misery.
And of course, good humour
Not telling my husband more often when he was alive just how much I loved him. I mean, he absolutely knew, but however often I tell it to his photo now, it's hardly the same.