There are three broad categories of microbiome, named by Atlas, a company that will analyse the bacterial environment in your gut: the Urban Citizen, the Village Peasant and the Indigene. Your type can change if you significantly alter your diet. Anyone with any sense wants to be an Indigene, since the Urban Citizen is associated with the “western diet” (code for: “some Cinnamon Grahams and a KFC, what of it?”) and the Village Peasant sounds a bit, you know, dumpy. However, the Indigene is most prevalent in isolated tribespeople from the Amazon and Africa, or failing that, vegetarians.

I got my results back from the £125 test I did in August, a complicated business of trapping poo on a piece of paper. I did this because your gut environment is as vital to your overall health as your hormonal one, or your brain chemistry; its health is determined by bacterial balance, which in turn is affected by your diet.

I’m a Village Peasant. It turns out, now that I am one, they’re the best. I have bacteria from the Dorea genus to reduce inflammation of the gut, making it less likely that I’ll get Crohn’s disease. I have eubacterium, built by bananas and barley which, since I hate bananas, I can only ascribe to my high consumption of Ovaltine. This, apparently, has a prophylactic effect against various cancers.

The results also break down the “citizenship” of my gut bacteria – that is, the places whose typical diets produce biomes like mine: Village Peasant is the gut environment of the rural Russian population, people so strong they can go out in subzero temperatures wearing only ear-muffs. So it’s no surprise that I’m 42% Russian; also, 44% Danish, a little bit Malawian, and a bit Chinese and, like the Labour manifesto, 0.2% Venezuelan.

Look, nobody said I was perfect: my recommendations are that I should eat soy, miso, apples, grapes and porridge to increase the proportion of good bacteria. I should eat fish oil, black tea, tomatoes and garlic to guard against obesity, which sounds like a cocktail so revolting as to put you off food, and guard against obesity that way. Artichokes, jerusalem artichokes, asparagus and more garlic would increase my potential for fibre metabolism (though anyone who knew me would say that if I ate any more garlic, I would smell like a gas leak). Buckwheat, chokeberries and sweetcorn would be brilliant for maximising my vitamin B synthesis, or alternatively, if I wanted to stop being invited to anybody’s house.

My disease risks for everything that can be measured (atherosclerosis, obesity, diabetes, colitis) are low. Having said I wasn’t perfect, it’s hard to pinpoint the respect in which my digestion could be better. I actually am perfect. “Then how come,” said my Mister, weighing his words carefully, “you fart every time you stand up?” I honestly don’t know. I guess that’s just bad manners.

What I learned this week

It’s important to make your diet inclusive rather than exclusive: eat in a varied way – don’t cut things out